Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
That seven-word note in my wallet was still there, untouched and an albatross to my life.
Despite the roasting heat, all I felt were ice-cold chills as I stood there, lost in my head. I was only wrenched from my own darkness when Savannah turned and found me across the poolside. She was like a damn mirage as her blue eyes—made only more vibrant by the swimsuit—broke out in a shy smile at my presence.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever deserve that smile. But I’d take whatever she wanted to give me. I walked around the pool to where she stood. I flipped the bird when Dylan and Travis, already in the pool, splashed water at me, soaking my legs.
As I arrived beside Savannah, the scent of her sunscreen hit me first, as did her beauty. Her long, straight hair had curled into ringlets in the humidity. I decided this was how I liked her best, in the sun where she belonged.
“Hi,” she said when I took hold of her hand.
“Hey, Peaches,” I said back and wrapped her up in my arms. The feel of her bare skin against my own felt perfect, and as I reared back, I kissed her, slow and soft, tasting the cherry ChapStick on her lips.
“Are you okay?” I asked her. She nodded when I broke from the kiss, and I could already see her nose and cheeks turning pink in the sun.
“You?” she asked back, a slight furrow of concern on her brow.
“I am now,” I said, only to feel another splash of water on my legs. I glared down at Dylan and Travis.
“Stop making out and get your asses in here,” Dylan said. Without warning, I jumped into the pool, making sure to drench Travis on his floatie. Savannah’s light laughter burst into the air behind me.
“Get in, Peaches,” I said when I broke the surface, and watched as she slid into the pool. I caught her as she hit the water, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, holding on as I waded us through the water. We congregated in the middle of the pool, Dylan and Travis ducking off their floaties to give them to Jade and Lili, who arrived a few minutes later.
“I’ll take this over rain and snow,” Jade said, closing her eyes as she lay back on the float. Dylan slipped under the water, then came up underneath her and turned over the floatie. Jade screeched as she fell into the water, head going straight underneath.
“Dylan!” she shouted when she got up and gave chase.
“Don’t even think it,” Lili said to Travis as he dived under the water too. In only a few moments, she was thrashing in the water as Travis pushed her right off.
Savannah gripped her arms around my neck tighter as she laughed, her chest heaving as the four of them raced after each other all over the pool.
It was nice, I thought. To hear such carefree laughter. When you’d lost someone, laughter didn’t come easily. For me, it never came at all. When I felt myself quietly laughing too, it felt so foreign, like my body couldn’t even remember how to laugh.
“Cael,” Savannah said, brushing her hand across my neck, right over my Adam’s apple. I didn’t know what had brought a sheen of happy tears to her eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, puzzled.
“You laughed,” she said. “I haven’t heard you laugh at all since we’ve been on the trip.” Her words hit me like bullets. I used to laugh all the time. Embraced fun. I thought of Stephan, my best friend. Thought of my team back in Massachusetts. How we would always be messing around, spraying each other with ice, tripping each other up with our sticks.
We would always laugh.
I’d missed that sound. But … I had just laughed.
Maybe I wasn’t quite as broken as I believed.
* * *
“We have to start talking soon, Cael,” Leo said, but my body was rigid, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I wanted to be better. I wanted to have Leo and Mia help me, but I just didn’t know how to start.
Leo sat back in his chair. We were in the red room from the first day we had arrived here. All of our group sessions had been held here. I hadn’t participated. But I’d listened, which was an improvement on most of the sessions before.
“When it comes to suicide,” Leo said carefully, “especially notable in men is the lack of talking.” At those words my body went still. All my muscles locked, and my bones turned to stone. Leo sat forward in his chair. My eyes dropped to the ground. “Talking saves lives.” Leo placed his notebook on the floor beside him. “Around eighty percent of all suicides in the United States are men. It’s one of our biggest killers.” I felt anger stirring inside of me. He didn’t have to tell me this. I knew this. I had researched this. “I’m worried about you, Cael,” he said, and this time, I met his eyes. “You don’t talk to us. You don’t even mention your brother. Not just by his name but at all. I know you have opened up to Savannah some, but Mia and I are here to help you through this. We are here to help you professionally. To give you tools to move on.”