Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130275 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
I glanced down to the dark blond who was permanently fixed at my side these days, the one I felt I couldn’t breathe without. I didn’t want to leave Savannah. Just thinking about it made me feel sick.
“Exposure,” I echoed. Mia and Leo told us it was time to face what had happened to our loved ones. That the previous countries had been building us up to this—the hardest of the steps. Here, we would face what had happened to our loved ones head-on.
My blood ran cold just entertaining that. I had no idea what they had planned for us at the retreat. This part was obvious to see. We were helping people like us, just in another country, far away. In India, in Varanasi, we had been surrounded by people who had lost.
It was everywhere.
But I was nervous about what was going to face us on the road ahead.
“Mia and Leo want us to go up to the school after this for games,” Savannah said, pulling me from my thoughts.
I nodded absently when I saw Savannah waiting for an answer. She stepped in front of me and put her hand on my bare shoulders, head tilted to the side. “Are you okay? You’ve been distracted since we came here.” Savannah’s eyes were worried. She bit her lip anxiously.
Varanasi had done something to me. Since leaving India, I hadn’t felt settled. I didn’t quite know why—no, I did. There, I had felt at peace. Like I had at the Lakes in England. But placing the candle in the River Ganges, that one simple act, had somehow paralyzed me. I had felt the dark cloud that often accompanied me slowly moving back overhead as that candle drifted away from me. I had tried everything to ignore it, but it was there, sticking close by.
“I’m okay,” I said to Savannah, seeing light fade from her eyes. She knew I was lying. But I didn’t know what to tell her. I felt down. Flat. Seeing that candle sailing away … it had shuttered something within me. I didn’t know how to explain it.
Savannah placed her palm on my cheek. “I’m here for you. Always.” I nodded, trying to push away the lump that immediately clogged my throat. I nodded, because I knew she was. I loved her so much. And better yet, I felt the love she had for me every day. “You can talk to me about anything,” she added.
She cast me a watery smile, then picked up another piece of wood. She handed it to me. “Next one.” I took it and subtly wiped a tear from my cheek. If Savannah saw, she didn’t let me know.
* * *
The yard was full of kids playing. Travis and Dylan were in the middle of a competitive game of tag with what looked like a bunch of ten-year-olds. Savannah was reading with two girls who looked about six. Lili was drawing with a small group of eight-year-olds under a tree, and Jade was singing nursery rhymes with what looked like kindergarteners.
I stood off to the side, unsure of where I fit in. Leo spotted me across the yard and made his way to me. I was leaning against a tree, a pit in my stomach as I watched these little kids play. There was laughter and happiness. They’d lost so much, yet they seemed to have found a way to move on.
All except one. A little boy who looked about nine or ten sat off to the side on his own. He watched the other kids with what looked like envy. I felt like I was looking at a reflection of myself. He was clearly in pain and didn’t know how to interact with the others.
“His big brother died,” Leo said, and every muscle in my body tensed. My breathing came quicker. “He saved him. When the hurricane hit. He got Jacob—that’s the boy’s name—to safety, but he never made it out himself.”
I felt nauseous. My blood ran cold.
Leo nudged his head in Jacob’s direction. “He can speak English. They learn it in school.” My feet were planted to the ground. I felt the heavy weight of Savannah’s stare as she lifted her head from the book she was reading to her group of kids. I didn’t turn her way. Instead, I kept my attention on Jacob. The yearning in his eyes was as clear as day—a yearning to be with the other kids. But he wasn’t allowing himself.
I knew what that was like too.
My mind dragged me back to the past. It reminded me of Cillian taking me with him everywhere he went when I was about Jacob’s age. I wondered if Jacob’s brother had been like that too. He’d saved Jacob. My gut twisted. I couldn’t imagine the guilt Jacob probably lived with because of that. That lump was back in my throat, tears springing to the back of my eyes. Because I knew, if I had been in danger, that Cillian would have saved me too. If we had been in that hurricane, I knew, deep down, that Cillian would have taken me to safety even if it meant sacrificing himself.