Total pages in book: 78
Estimated words: 73537 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 368(@200wpm)___ 294(@250wpm)___ 245(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 73537 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 368(@200wpm)___ 294(@250wpm)___ 245(@300wpm)
Only the first request I could promise, the second thing was a possibility, and the last one was a no. I was going to see Dolly, and Pepper was going to have to get the fuck over it.
“How is she?” I asked, staring at the window as if I could actually see shit this far away.
“Fine. Better. Why do you care?” She was annoyed. “Did you have a sudden stroke of guilt?”
“I care about her, Pep,” I admitted.
It was possibly more than care. I was struggling with it. What I did know was that I missed her. I thought about her all the time. I wanted in that goddamn apartment so bad that I was close to snapping and going with Pepper in there so that I could see for myself that Dolly was okay.
Pepper was silent for a moment. I saw her walk out of the building and pinch her temples as she held the phone to her ear, not knowing I was watching her.
“Micah, she’s fragile. You caring about her is not okay. She can’t handle you and your ways.”
“Why is she fragile, Pep?” I urged.
It had been keeping me up at night. Knowing there was shit in her head that was dark. Worrying that she was hurting herself and I wasn’t there to stop it.
“Her past isn’t an easy one. It’s not something I talk about to anyone. Mom doesn’t even know. Just…she has emotional trauma going back to when she was nine years old and her dad died.”
Losing your dad was hard. I knew. But I couldn’t say it had caused emotional trauma. She’d had a mom. One she seemed close to—or had been…I thought. I hadn’t really paid much attention back then.
“Okay,” I said, waiting for her to explain more.
I watched as my sister ran her hand over her head and stared up at the sky, as if she was struggling with what to say.
“We lost a dad too,” I pushed, knowing she wanted to say more. I could see it in her body language.
“We didn’t find ours hanging from a rope in the garage,” she replied, and her shoulders slumped.
Fucking hell. The pain in my chest caused me to reach up and press against it with my hand.
Taking a deep breath, I looked back across the street at Pepper. “Her dad hung himself, and she found him…when she was nine?”
“Yes,” she said with a deep sigh. “Yes, she did. But that is only the beginning. I can’t tell you more. The rest is something she has trusted me with. The suicide you could find easily enough if you dug it up. It wasn’t a secret.”
How the fuck did it get worse than that? Why would a man do that in his home, where his child could find him?
“I need to see her, Pepper.” I wasn’t asking permission. I was just letting her know. At least when she found out I went over there the minute she left, she couldn’t say I’d lied to her.
“She doesn’t need to see you, Micah,” she said sternly, and her entire body tensed.
I watched as she stalked toward her car, as if she were coming to find me and physically stop me.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because she’s going through something, and I think it’s because of you. I think it is you. That, or it’s the combination of Canyon using her and you…you taking her virginity.”
If she wanted me to stay away, that had been the wrong thing to say. No one was keeping me from her.
“If I’m the cause of it, then why can’t I be the solution? Maybe she needs to see me. Ever think about that?”
Pepper slammed her car door shut. “Actually, I did. I considered it. But…this is you we are talking about. What Dolly needs, you can’t give her.”
“And what is that?” I shot back at her, waiting to see that Mustang disappear from sight so I could make my way over there.
“Unconditional love.”
Well, fuck.
22
Dolly
As my moka pot heated up, I stood in the kitchen, staring at the knife block. Pepper being here had been a distraction. She’d kept my mind occupied the best she could. But I was alone now. With my thoughts. The pain that had been there, slowly itching to grip hold of me, was no longer being pushed back.
Walking over to the knives, I took out the smallest one. The paring knife. I used it to peel apples. Staring down at it, I could already feel the relief it could bring me. I just had to slice a small piece of skin and let blood trickle out. Pepper wouldn’t know. No one would.
I reached for the knob on the stove and turned off the gas eye. Espresso wasn’t what I needed, and I knew it. Walking over to the closest kitchen chair, I sat down and pulled up my sundress. My gaze went to the marks I’d made with my nails. They were almost gone, leaving nothing but faint marks of where they had been.