Total pages in book: 120
Estimated words: 109976 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 550(@200wpm)___ 440(@250wpm)___ 367(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 109976 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 550(@200wpm)___ 440(@250wpm)___ 367(@300wpm)
Did he love her? My heart ached at the thought. As dumb as it is, I didn’t want him to love her, didn’t want him to look at her the way he looks at me. But why had he gotten engaged to her if he wasn’t in love?
It was a question I had no answers to as I rested my head back against the tub and closed my tired eyes. Tears gathered but once again I refused to let them fall, because I knew once the dam broke it would be hard to stop.
I’d barely collected myself earlier when I cried in his arms, but that was just a quick release from the fear and pressure I’d been under. There was something else bothering me now. Something I’m afraid wouldn’t be so easily overcome this time.
Will this day never end? I didn’t want to think about the horror I’d faced, or what lies ahead. Or the woman who wears his ring. For just the next little while I just want to enjoy being here with him, until the world intrudes again. Was that truly horrible of me?
When had I become this person? This woman who could long for another man’s arms just hours after her husband’s death? And when had I stopped feeling guilty for wanting to be with him?
Was it when I’d lost any kind of feeling for Vance? When I’d stopped even hating him and just pretended that he no longer existed? Maybe that was it. Maybe I’ve been hiding behind my love for Gavin in order to survive. How depressing that now I was free he was still out of my reach.
More pressing thoughts soon intruded and I found myself being bogged down once again by the coming days. My mind was once more grappling with the day’s events and what it meant and there was nowhere to hide from my inner musings this time.
I looked down at the water and for one split second imagined how relieving it would be to just sink in until my head was covered and just letting it all go. Just the thought of facing another day was enough to make the idea seem more appealing than it should.
I started to slide my body under, already welcoming the feeling of freedom. What was there to hold onto anyway? I’m so stupid, I’d held on all this time in the hell I’d endured with Vance only to want to give up now.
Because someone worst than Vance now threatened whatever happiness I may eke out for myself in this bleak world. That horrible thought alone was enough to make me let go as I felt my body go limp in preparation.
And then I saw his face as if he’d heard my thoughts from wherever he was in the penthouse. I remembered what he’d looked like at the station. Remembered how protected I’d felt when his lawyer showed up and I knew he was near. And how safe I’d felt for the first time in forever just sitting next to him in the car on the ride here.
Could all that really just be a friendly acquaintance helping out the widow of someone he barely interacted with? Or was it really more? Why did my mind choose now to doubt his feelings for me when all along I’d always believed he felt the same way I did? Can’t I just hold onto those thoughts now when I need them most? If only for a little while longer?
If it’s just a dream or wishful thinking on my part then let me hold onto the dream for one more day. I silently pleaded. Let me enjoy his care and believe that it’s more than just an offer of friendship.
Instead of dwelling on those depressing thoughts I called to mind all the times we’d met and the feelings that had always been present between us then. Surely I hadn’t misunderstood.
At the memory of his heated eyes gazing at me I felt the warmth that I’d come to expect with thoughts of him infuse me. Just that easily the feeling of sadness slowly receded to be replaced with cautious hope.
I held onto his image steadfastly and fought the despair that wanted to take me under. It’s always like this. Whenever I’m at my lowest I just have to think of him and the sun comes out from behind the clouds to brighten up my otherwise dreary day.
Sitting up in the tub once more I pushed aside thoughts of my husband’s family and the funeral I’ll have to attend in a couple days no matter how much I don’t want to, and focused instead on where I was and the man who waited just beyond the door.
Now, instead of despair I felt a sweet rush of excitement run through me at the memory of his dark eyes and the way they watched me. I never knew until I met him, that just a look could make me weak. I’d always thought things like that were just cheesy clichés, but he does it to me every time.