Total pages in book: 133
Estimated words: 134598 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 673(@200wpm)___ 538(@250wpm)___ 449(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 134598 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 673(@200wpm)___ 538(@250wpm)___ 449(@300wpm)
Seth was a kind man.
“He is,” Ethan agreed. “But that’s not what you need to concentrate on. Three things you can smell.”
“My breathing is fine now,” she told him. There was no point to continuing the exercise.
She should probably get off the sofa. She should definitely apologize to Rhodes. Maybe she could fix this . . .
Somehow.
God. She was a mess lately. She kept falling apart. This wasn’t like her.
“Three things,” Ethan said sternly.
Cate sighed. “You are very bossy.”
“Isn’t he?” Rhodes said with a frown down at Ethan. “If she says she’s doing better, then she is. Cate doesn’t lie.”
Uh-oh. She didn’t mean to create any trouble.
All you do is create trouble, you brat!
Cate winced as she heard her aunt’s voice in her head, berating her.
Sometimes, it felt like she was losing her mind. Reaching up, she rubbed at her head.
“Headache, baby?” Ethan asked.
“Just a small one.”
“These past few days have been stressful,” Ethan said.
He was right. They had.
“All I can smell is Kevin’s cologne, even though he’s no longer here. He always puts too much on. I can’t smell anything else. It’s overpowering everything else.”
“That’s all right,” Ethan told her. His gaze was warm. “That’s all any of us can smell, I think.”
“Fucking Kevin.” Rhodes was scowling. “How dare he say those things to you?”
“I’m sorry, Rhoddy,” she said in a small voice. “This is my fault.”
“It is not.” Rhodes scowled at her. “I thought we established this already. This is on Samantha and me. Not you.”
She didn’t see why Rhodes was to blame.
“But what about Kevin? Isn’t he right? I’m a liability. Am I ruining your career, Rhodes?”
Ethan moved out of the way so that Rhodes could take his place next to her. He laid his hands out and she put hers in them so he could squeeze them.
“Do not listen to Kevin,” Rhodes told her. “He’s a dick. Yeah, he’s good at his job but his people skills are shit. He had no right to say any of that to you, understand me?”
Cate nodded. But she wasn’t certain she believed it, though.
“Do you think I deserve to be with Samantha?” Rhodes suddenly asked.
She frowned, not understanding. “What do you mean?”
“Or that I deserve someone who loves me. Who wants to be with me for me, not for what I can give her. I was coasting along with Samantha, she was easy because I didn’t . . . because I knew I wouldn’t develop real feelings for her. That I could keep her at a distance. After losing Emma . . . I just, I find it hard to let myself fall for anyone else.”
“Oh, Rhoddy. You still love Emma even though she’s been dead for years?” she asked. Emma had been his girlfriend. She’d died of cancer about eight years ago. Cate should have realized that he still loved her.
“I do.”
“And so you don’t want to love someone else?”
“It feels like a betrayal of what we had.”
“But she’s dead.”
Rhodes smiled at her gently. “I know, honey. But even though she’s dead, I still love her.”
“Oh. I see. I guess I still love Mom and Dad. Death doesn’t remove the love you feel. But just because you loved Emma, doesn’t mean that you can’t love someone else, does it?”
“I don’t know. It means opening myself up to the possibility of loving and losing someone again.”
Right. She could lose Ethan. Part of her was expecting to. Because she didn’t think he could be with her forever. He didn’t even live here.
Yet, somehow, she’d forgotten that. Pushed it to one side.
And . . . she’d let herself fall in love with him.
Oh God.
48
Was she in love with him? What did love feel like? Was it this heat in your body and giddy happiness whenever you saw the other person?
Was it knowing that your life wouldn’t be the same without them in it?
Abject fear over losing them?
“Cate? Are you okay, baby?”
“Yes,” she said. “I’m just . . . this was a lot.”
Her breath came in sharper pants.
This was too much.
A liability.
She was ruining Rhodes’ relationships, his career. And now she didn’t know how she could live without Ethan.
Because she might love him. She wished there was some way to quantify love. A checklist to be fulfilled.
But she knew that wasn’t the case.
Rhodes’ phone rang. “Fuck. I need to take this. It’s my publicist.” He stepped out the glass double doors just as she heard the front door open and someone call out for Seth, then Ethan.
“That’s Butch.” Ethan looked torn. “I don’t want to leave you.”
“I’m fine.” She gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile.
“You just had a panic attack. You are not fine.”
“I am. And I have to go to the bathroom, anyway.”
The bathroom . . . her closet to hide. The same thing, right?
She wanted to flick her hair tie against her wrist, but Ethan had made her remove it. So she pressed her fingers around her wrist right where Samantha had grabbed her, squeezing tight. She relished the bite of pain.