Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 80391 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 402(@200wpm)___ 322(@250wpm)___ 268(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80391 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 402(@200wpm)___ 322(@250wpm)___ 268(@300wpm)
“No,” I said just as I was slammed hard with a contraction that stole my breath.
He looked down at his watch and calmly timed it as my eyes crossed. “That one was four minutes thirty seconds after the one you had inside. Think it’s time to get you to the hospital.”
They say that first labors take hours. Even days.
I knew within ten minutes of my water breaking that it wasn’t going to take hours. I’d be lucky to have minutes.
Just moments after we got into the truck and headed for the hospital that was fifteen minutes away, I knew I wasn’t going to make it.
“Tiago?” I asked as I leaned forward and panted.
“Yeah?” He queried as he turned down a side road that led to the interstate.
“What would happen if I had the baby right now?” I asked through clenched teeth.
“You’re not. We’ll get there in time.” He assured me.
“I don’t...think...we have time.”
Then I was struggling with my pants, yanking them from the top of my belly, over my hips, and down to pool at my feet.
“What are you doing?” Kettle asked in surprise.
My hand went down between my legs where I felt something that really shouldn’t be there. “Uhh, there’s something between my legs.”
“That would be your twat!” Baylee said from behind my seat.
I was shaking my head, and slapping at Kettle’s arm to get his attention. “No really, look at my vagina!”
I hadn’t meant to yell.
Nonetheless, I couldn’t help myself.
I really hadn’t meant for the old man in the pickup next to ours to hear me, but inevitably, he did, and sure enough, he tried to get a look.
Lucky for me he couldn’t see over Kettle’s window, unlucky for me, the man on the opposite side of us could, and he screamed.
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. That woman has a bloody alien coming out of her cooch!”
“Why are the windows open!?” I screeched.
Kettle, who’d been waiting for the traffic to move at the stop light, looked over, and his eyes bulged.
“Mother fucker!” he yelled as he cut across two lanes of traffic to pull over in the nearest parking lot. Which happened to be a Wal-Mart.
“Oh, my God! Don’t pull over here! I don’t want to be a ‘people of Wal-Mart’ statistic! Go one more over to that Dairy Queen.”
However irrational it was, there was no rhyme or reason to my madness. If I had to have my baby in a truck without drugs, I was damn well having it where I wanted it.
He obliged, too.
As soon as the truck was in park, Kettle was out of his side and running around the front of the truck while Baylee crawled over the console to look down.
“Do you have a go bag?” Baylee asked Kettle once he got the door open.
Kettle’s eyes were on the disaster that was going on between my legs, but his answer was crystal clear and precise. “Never carried one. You have one; you’re obligated to use it. There’re some gloves in the console that you’re sitting on with a pocket mask, though. Call 911.”
“Already did when I noticed you cut off four lanes of traffic.” Sebastian said from behind me somewhere.
Maybe later I might find the mortification that I should be feeling, but right then, it was nonexistent. Why, you ask? Because my hoo-ha had a baby’s head the size of which my vagina had never seen before (even though my husband was no slouch in the penis size department) coming out of it.
“Oh, for the love of all that’s hol-arghh!” My sentence was abruptly cut short by the arrival of another contraction, this one having an intense urge to push coming on its heels. “Have. To. Push.”
“Adeline, look at me now.” Kettle snapped, making my eyes open.
I stared into his eyes as he calmly leaned the seat back until I was lying flat on my back, and then started studying the head that was slowly making its way out of my body, no matter how much I tried not to push.
“On the next contraction, I want you to push, okay Adeline?” He said firmly.
I nodded, closed my eyes, and then waited for the next agonizing feeling to overtake me.
It did moments later, and I bore down and pushed, just as I was instructed to do.
“Head’s out.” Kettle said softly.
I could feel his hands moving around down there, and I severely hoped with all my being that he didn’t remember this the next time we had sex. There was just no coming back from this. My husband had seen my vag emit a baby’s head the size of a grapefruit. I didn’t see how he could ever forget.
“Sebastian, go get the present we were going to give them later. It’s in the truck in front of Blaise’s seat!” Baylee ordered from the seat beside me.
“Oh my God,” I yelled as I felt the next contraction crest.
“Push!” Baylee and Kettle yelled.
I pushed.
“Just, whatever you do, don’t drop him.” I pleaded between pushes.
Kettle rolled his eyes. “I’ve delivered fifteen babies. Every single one has managed not to be dropped. I think I’ll manage with my own boy. Now push, you’ve almost got him all the way out.”
I couldn’t say how the next three minutes went, but I pushed with all my fucking might, screamed, cursed, and yelled. Most of it was directed towards Kettle, but I saved a few jabs for mankind as a whole.
“Ahhhhh, your goddamned demon spawn needs to get the hell out of my vagina! He’s being evicted! Jesus, it burns!”
“One last push, honey.” Kettle said softly, not even the least bit affected by my threats.
“Excuse me sir, we can take over from here,” An authoritative voice said from directly behind Kettle.
My eyes went to the woman who was trying to take away my lifeline and I snarled. “Back the fuck off, bitch. He’s delivering this kid, so help me God. I will take pleasure in gutting you if you even try to interfere.”
Later I’d be told that I resembled a demon as I snarled at the poor lady, but now, the struggle was very real.