Total pages in book: 128
Estimated words: 124494 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 622(@200wpm)___ 498(@250wpm)___ 415(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 124494 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 622(@200wpm)___ 498(@250wpm)___ 415(@300wpm)
My heart is a battered soda can. Knowing that’s true and having felt it fully when they were alive is so different. With another deep exhale, I continue, “They loved us. We are alive and here, and we’re going to be the kindest version of ourselves today that we can muster. We’re going to be gentle with each other, which includes a little girl who doesn’t understand that some days you just need to hide under the blankets and be really fucking sad. I love you, Fee. We’ve done a lot to survive, and I would say it is going to get easier and maybe it will, but mostly this is life now. There’s no going back. But you can decide how you want to love the family you do have.” I pass her a tissue and she dabs her tears away.
“I’m sorry I told Callie Christmas was canceled.”
“I know. Just come out and do Christmas morning. If you need time after that, I’ll totally understand.”
She sighs. “Okay. Give me fifteen minutes.”
I pat her leg. “Thank you, and I’m really sorry today hurts extra. I’ll make you a mochaccino.”
“With whipped cream?”
“As if I would leave out the whipped cream.”
She throws her arms around me. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I leave her room and pull the door closed behind me.
A wave of sadness threatens to pull me under. I’m so overwhelmed. I miss having a family, even though they weren’t perfect. I’m drowning in the responsibility of all, choking on the loneliness. All I want is to curl up in bed and let my own tears fall. But I can’t. There’s one person I want more than anyone else right now. One person who seems to understand better than most how difficult today is.
But if I give in and call Roman, I’m not sure I won’t give in to everything else, too.
CHAPTER 19
LEXI
I’ve just managed to get my feelings back inside the box when there’s a knock at the door. I frown as I check the time. It’s barely nine. I’m so not prepared for company. I’m still in a robe, and I’m sure I look a wreck. But Callie is already rushing down the hall.
“Callie, wait until I’m with you before you open the door,” I call after her.
As soon as I’m in view, she throws it open.
“Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!” Santa and his two unlikely elves say.
“Santa? Oh my gosh! Lexi, Santa is here!” Callie exclaims.
I nearly burst into tears. Because standing in the hall is Roman, dressed as a very convincing Santa—minus the incredibly buff arms that pull at the seams of his red suit—and two elves in the form of Dred and…Connor Grace?
Dred is all smiles, and Connor is wearing his customary smirk.
Callie tips her head back. “Wow, Santa. You’re tall. And not as friend shaped as I expected.”
I almost die. “Friend shaped” is what her teacher calls her chonky cat. As in, Mr. Snuggles is friend shaped and excellent for hugging.
“Mrs. Claus and I have been eating pretty healthy these days,” Roman says with a chuckle.
Dred snorts, and Connor covers a laugh.
“You even brought elves!” Callie’s mouth opens in an O as her attention swings to the right. “Connor Grace?” She grabs my arm and bounces around like she has springs in her feet. “You’re one of Santa’s helpers? And Dred!” She takes Santa’s hand and tugs. “Everyone come in! We’re eating cookies and croissants for breakfast because that’s what you do when you wake up on Christmas and you wished for your mom and dad to come back but they can’t because they’re in heaven.”
I choke back a sob. I cannot lose it.
Dred pulls me in for a hug. Roman gives me an empathetic, concerned smile and skims the back of my hand when he passes. Callie drags him and Connor down the hall, talking a mile a minute.
“You okay?” Dred asks, eyes full of concern.
“This morning has been rough, and it’s barely started. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re here.”
“Deep breath. We’ve got you.” She hugs me again.
“Thank you.” I squeeze and step back. “Where did you get these costumes, and whose idea was this?”
“The idea was Roman’s, but we do a whole holiday-themed thing at the library every year, so I borrowed the costumes. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the previous elf was a lot smaller than Connor.”
I glance over my shoulder. His pants are capris, his socks pulled up to meet the cuff and the shirt sleeves are six inches shy of his wrists, exposing a hint of artwork. It’s also at risk of busting at the seams across his shoulders. “Not too many six-three elves out there, I guess.”
“Apparently not. How you hanging in there?”
"Close to breaking to be honest.”
“We’ll hold you together.” She hugs me again.