Total pages in book: 128
Estimated words: 124494 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 622(@200wpm)___ 498(@250wpm)___ 415(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 124494 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 622(@200wpm)___ 498(@250wpm)___ 415(@300wpm)
That just makes the tears fall harder. I need to get my shit together. Fee can’t see me like this post a bad game. But I’m spiraling, and there’s only one person I want, and I can’t have him.
Roman has sent me a slew of messages:
Roman
Talked to Boxer, this isn’t on you.
Hemi said you went home, please message when you see this.
It’s been half an hour. I’m worried.
Instead of sending him a message, I call.
“I’m so sorry,” I croak. For not being strong enough to sort out my own shit, for compromising the game, for needing him. “I hardly deserve flowers after tonight.”
“Those were for playing armchair coach with Ryker earlier. But Lexi, angel, this is not your fault,” he says gently.
“I’m the one who put you on the ice too close to game time, so it is most definitely on me.” I hiccup and dash away the tears.
“I’m coming over,” he states.
“You can’t. Dred is here and Fee will ask questions and I can’t be trusted with you right now,” I admit. “I won’t want you to leave, and that is definitely not something I can explain to Fee or Callie. I fucked up so hard today, Roman. What if I can’t do this? What if I’m not cut out for this job?”
“You are absolutely cut out for this job. This is not our first loss and it won’t be the last. You’re building rapport with Grace and Ryker. They’re seasoned players who will be there next year, and that’s bigger than one game. Vander Zee is upset about not being in the loop, and that’s on all of us who have been doing this job far longer than you and didn’t ask the right questions.”
I hiccup again. “I made the mistake.”
“You’re a first year assistant coach, of course you’re going to make mistakes. But it wasn’t because your heart or your head was in the wrong place, Lexi. You care. You’re an amazing coach. I know you feel bad, but don’t let this shake your confidence.”
“I don’t feel like an amazing coach.”
“Fuck. I hate that I can’t be there with you. I wish you would have waited for me so we could have this conversation in person and not over the phone. I just want to hold you.”
“The end of the season seems so far away,” I whisper. He’s the only person I don’t have to be strong with all the time. With Roman I can be afraid, and uncertain. I don’t have to fake confidence. I can share my fears and worries, and I know he’ll be there to talk them through. I can let go of all my careful control, give myself over completely and feel safe and cared for.
“What do you need? What can I do for you?”
“I don’t know. I just need…” Him. “I’m trying so hard not to need you.”
“I know. It goes both ways. We could have a night. Just to get us through the next few months. I can take you somewhere private and secluded. We have three days between this game and the next. We can go north, get out of the city, just you and me. Let me take care of you. I can’t carry the responsibilities for you, but I can give you a break from them. Give us both something to hold on to while we wait the season out.”
“I want that so much,” I admit. Dred will stay with the girls if I ask.
“It’s okay to want something for yourself, Lexi. I need you as much as you need me. Please let me do this for us.”
Roman commands, orders, directs, but this gentle request is what tips me over the edge. I can’t say no, and I don’t want to. “Yes. Okay. Let me talk to Dred.”
“Good girl,” Roman replies in that tone that promises a reprieve from the painful longing.
“She’s with the girls now. I’ll go up and clear it with her. I’ll message soon.”
“Okay. Deep breaths, angel. Soon you’ll be all mine.”
I make the trip up to the condo, already relieved that I don’t have to wait another three months before I feel his arms around me. It’s been so hard to be just the assistant coach. For one night I won’t have to fit inside a box. I can be Roman’s and he can be mine.
I let myself into the condo and Dred pokes her head around the corner.
“Are the girls asleep?” I ask quietly.
She gives me two thumbs up, but her expression shifts to concern. “Are you okay? Oh my gosh, is this about the game?” She opens her arms and I accept the hug.
I explain what happened and how my mistake cost us the game.
“I think it’s easy to blame yourself, but the four guys you had ice time with do not make up the entire roster of players on the ice tonight.”