Total pages in book: 70
Estimated words: 66200 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 331(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66200 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 331(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
No, I could eat. I patted my stomach. “Feed me, Daddy. Anythin’ I can do to help?”
“No,” he answered right away with a side-eyed look at my abs. “You and your come gutters can stay right where you are.”
I spluttered a laugh. Come gutters. Christ, that was a new one for me.
“You give me whiplash sometimes, Sebastian,” I chuckled. “Your insults fuckin’ hurt, and your thinly veiled compliments make me feel ten feet tall.” I shook my head to myself, baffled and amazed at the impact he had on me.
He furrowed his brow and busied himself with reheating food, so I reckoned he wasn’t gonna respond.
It was time to get serious. I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat, pulling one knee up to the couch. “Have you thought about what I said before?”
He knew what I was referring to. The deed to the house—that I’d bought it before Teddy’s aid was cut. More importantly, that I wasn’t trying to get Soph and Teddy to move.
He nodded slowly, maybe unsure of how to phrase himself. I didn’t know.
“I believe you,” he replied quietly. “I never thought you were evil, Blake. But it takes a certain level of asshole to lie the way you did. The deceit bothered me a whole lot more than anything else. You knew about the program in Georgia for several days—while you spent every single night with me, and you didn’t say a goddamn word.” He stopped what he was doing and clenched his jaw. His eyes fell closed next, and he took a deep breath. “That’s all I see. I remember what we did—shooting the shit, our banter, when you came over here and cooked… And now, all I can think about is what must’ve gone through your head. Behind every fucking smile you gave me—the lying ruined it.”
“You wanna know what went through my head?” I got off the couch instantly, and I joined him on my side of the bar. “I was a mess.” He had to believe me. I knew exactly what he was talking about. I’d been mulling this over for weeks too. Just like he had. “I was reeling. I got sucked in by everything we did—everything you did to me. I was so hooked, and it blindsided me. It was gonna be a few easy weeks where I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else. A vacation. And…” Fuck, how did I even say this right? “What you gave me was both heaven and hell. For the first time in…shit, ever, I could be myself. I don’t throw around the word love willy-nilly—hell, the opposite—but I fell head over fucking heels in love with the world you showed me.” I paused and took a breath, realizing that my heart was pounding and my hands were sweaty. “All these reactions started comin’ at me. They hurt—like, physically. I got anxious and worried and scared shitless. Because everything was coming to an end.”
I dragged a hand over my face, frustrated that I wasn’t able to convey myself properly. It didn’t feel right.
“You know sometimes how you can feel somethin’s wrong, but you can’t pinpoint what it is?” I swallowed dryly. “That’s what happened. I knew you were the cause of all these bizarre emotions in me. It could be the smallest thing, insignificant gestures—like when you made up the sofa on the balcony and we had pizza. In the grand scheme of things, that’s probably not the most romantic thing someone’s ever done, but I lost my footing. And after that, I had to lie to myself. I had to insist that shit was still cool—casual, no strings or whatever. And I kept coming back for more, despite that I had this voice in the back of my head yelling at me to run the other way because I was in dangerous territory, completely unfamiliar to anything I’d experienced before.”
Should I keep rambling?
He wasn’t making eye contact. He still had them closed, and the tension in his shoulders reached new levels.
“I am deeply sorry for goin’ behind your back, Sebastian,” I told him earnestly. “I should’ve been honest from the beginnin’. I just couldn’t. Even though you were givin’ me the mother of emotional roller-coaster rides and I couldn’t see what those feelings meant at the time, I clung to every second I got to be with you. Time was running out, so I…” I trailed off, suddenly exhausted and wary. “I was so conflicted. Every day—torn between hightailin’ it outta here so I could put myself back together, and… I’m sorry. Sometimes I wonder if it stings when you call me crap like that because you might be right. Maybe I am a dumbass. Maybe I’m a piece of shit. I’m not good at analyzing feelings, and I’ve never had to. With you, I didn’t have a choice. It hit me outta nowhere. All of a sudden, it wasn’t easy to sneak out in the middle of the night. I couldn’t cut all ties and move on. You fucked me up.”