Total pages in book: 134
Estimated words: 122242 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 611(@200wpm)___ 489(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 122242 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 611(@200wpm)___ 489(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
"I haven't told him I love him," I admit, biting my lip.
"Why not?"
I shrug helplessly, not sure how to explain the overwhelming fear that courses through me at the thought of him not loving me back. She says Octavio has found his missing piece in me, but I've found my place with him. My mom and Nikolai didn't break me. Sanders didn't break me. But I think losing Octavio would obliterate me.
"You're afraid," she guesses.
I nod, my throat tight. "I've never had anyone before," I whisper, tipping my head down to stare at my hands when my eyes get blurry. "My mom hated me. I don't understand why, but she did. And then she left me, and Nikolai came and got me. I went from one level of hell to the next. No one even looked for me. I disappeared and no one even cared." Two tears leak from my eyes, falling with wet plops on my clasped hands. No one's ever cared what happened to me before. "I guess I'm afraid that, if I say it out loud, I'll wake up and this will all be a dream. He'll be gone, and I'll still be alone."
"Faith," Mila whispers, her voice soft. "You aren't alone anymore. Octavio loves you. I love you. Roman and Luke love you. We're your family now."
"What if I'm not good enough to be part of your family?" I whisper back.
"You think you did something to deserve the way you were treated," she says, more statement than question.
I shrug. Octavio said I wasn't responsible for what happened, and I want to believe him, but I guess part of me still doesn't. Part of me still thinks there must be some reason my mom hated me, and they hurt me. It has to be my fault somehow. What if Octavio finds out that the little voice in the back of my mind is right, and I am to blame?
"I think you feel that way because you don't have any answers," Mila says, reaching across the table for my hands. She holds them in hers. I cling to her, trying to borrow a little of her strength. "Your brain is trying to make sense of what happened to you, and it doesn't have any logical reasons to grasp onto, so it makes you think that if there aren't any logical reasons, it has to be your fault somehow. But that part of your brain is wrong, Faith. Sometimes, people do awful things because they're messed up, not because you are or because you deserve to be hurt."
"I hid where my mom was from Nikolai for five years," I whisper to her. "Maybe they would have let me go a long time ago if I'd told them the truth."
"Or maybe they would have killed her and continued to torment you." She squeezes my hands tighter. "My mom died when I was nine. My dad was really messed up after. He drank all the time. He pretended like I didn't exist most of the time. When he did remember I was around, he yelled at me a lot. Sometimes, he'd leave for days on end, and I'd be home alone. For the longest time, I felt like I did something to deserve it. I felt like he changed so much after my mom died because I wasn't enough."
"That's awful," I whisper, my chest aching for her.
"After I graduated high school, I asked him why he never loved me. He told me he couldn't stand to look at me because I looked just like her and it hurt too badly. I realized then that nothing I did would ever be enough for him. He wasn't capable of loving me." She smiles sadly. "I walked away from him. I found a guy who I thought was everything I was supposed to want. I didn't love him, but I thought maybe stability would be enough. And then he cheated on me."
"What a jerk."
Mila smiles at me. "He is a jerk. But I'm glad it happened. It brought me to Roman. He gave me a family and a place where I belong. He taught me what real love is and made me believe that I am worthy of it. I still get insecure sometimes, but Roman never lets me forget for even a minute that I wasn't the broken one. My dad was. Your mom was the broken one too, Faith. She didn't love you because she wasn't capable of love. But you deserve to be loved. You're worthy of it. Give Octavio time, and I know he'll prove it to you just like Roman did me."
Chapter Sixteen
Octavio
"Ballistics is back on that gun," Captain Franklin announces, poking his head into my office.
I turn from the whiteboard in front of me to look at him.
"The gun matches."