Total pages in book: 93
Estimated words: 90672 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 453(@200wpm)___ 363(@250wpm)___ 302(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 90672 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 453(@200wpm)___ 363(@250wpm)___ 302(@300wpm)
“Anyway, after she died, I broke it off with the girl I was seeing. I needed time to myself. I would mess around with girls, but not go on dates or anything. I guess…I guess I just had this feeling that if I did get close to someone else, then…” I don’t finish my sentence; he can fill in the blanks.
“I can understand that,” he says, but then his expression twists up. “Fuck, I ran right into that same mistake as earlier. I can’t understand what you went through—”
“I get what you’re saying, Brad. It was thoughtful of you. I’m sorry I jumped on you earlier.”
“You get to pay me back for how we started off…maybe for another week or two,” he jokes, rubbing his thumb against my hand again. “I know I said it was weird, but it also feels right.”
As I roll my hand over, he loosens his grip, and when the back of my hand’s on the table, he grips it again.
“Really right,” he whispers, so low it’s almost like he didn’t intend for me to hear. He gulps, then his breath hitches, his gaze wavering before he says, “Luke, I like you.”
“If I couldn’t tell that from this weekend, I’d be pretty dense.”
“No, beyond that stuff. Certainly doesn’t hurt that we have fun in the bedroom, but I like getting to know you. I like when you talk to me about your past and share things that don’t have anything to do with the Sinners. Back when we started messing around, I knew it was the Lust drawing me to you, and maybe that’s still true physically, but what I’m interested in now is beyond that.”
Since he’s confessed what he’s experiencing, I don’t hold back either. “It’s that way for me too.”
He continues running his thumb back and forth across my skin, gazing into my eyes, when the server arrives with our calzones.
We release each other to grab our silverware and start eating.
“Cut me off a piece of yours,” I tell Brad.
“Really? I thought you were sticking to playing it safe tonight.”
“Eh, I was thinking I’ve had a good time experimenting recently.” I wink at him, and a smile sweeps across his face.
Yes, I’ve had very good experiences. And looking forward to many more.
*
The next two days, Brad and I don’t meet up just to fuck around.
Or, not only to fuck around.
As this Sinners stuff becomes more involved, I realize I have to find a way to make it work with school, so we schedule a study hour at the library, and if I’m real good and get all my work done, Brad shows me a good time in the fourth-floor bathroom.
Since our date, things have been different between us. We’ve been more playful in bed. There’s been more jokiness and teasing between all that. I can let my guard down around him. Be myself.
Of course, if only the days were just about fucking, school, and spending time together. Unfortunately, I still have to make my attempts at meditating to receive this magical Moment that…doesn’t seem to be happening, and with each day that passes, I become increasingly concerned.
On Thursday, Brad and I are in the church cellar, in our familiar seated positions. I’ve gotten better about steadying my breathing, concentrating, but my thoughts are as cluttered as ever. There’s so much to think about.
All the interactions I had with the guys initially.
The bizarre conversations we’ve shared.
The horrifying vision and seeing that monster hunting that poor guy.
Not for the first time since we started meditating, a familiar image springs to mind.
Dark hair.
Sharp jawline.
Kind eyes.
Dad’s face.
Not the one I was used to seeing growing up, but from pictures I saw of him taken when he was around my age. I can see him, vividly, as he sits down in the cellar with the Sinners’ bible in his hands, studying the information Dobbers received from the Guides.
What did he think about all this? What was his experience? I get why he never mentioned it to his kid, but did he tell Mom?
Then suddenly, the images shift to my past.
“Daddy’s not okay, sweetie,” Mom says.
And I know in an instant what she means, but I still ask, “He’ll be okay, though, right?”
But even then, I knew better.
A tightness twists in my chest before it burns like a fire. Tears slide from my eyes. “No,” I whisper. Please, not that.
“Luke?”
As I feel Brad’s hand on my thigh, I force my eyes open. My body trembles, and I break out in a cold sweat. “I need a moment,” I confess.
He sizes me up. “What’s wrong, Luke? What happened?”
“That stuff Cody picked at in the shower? It came up again. The same memory of the day my mom told me my dad wasn’t going to be okay. It was…rough.”
And I can’t shake that shit. It lingers, tormenting me, cruelly, with one of the more horrifying days of my life.