Total pages in book: 89
Estimated words: 86857 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 86857 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 434(@200wpm)___ 347(@250wpm)___ 290(@300wpm)
“You did n-nothing.” I lay my hands over hers on my shoulders.
“I should have known,” she sobs in my ear, hugging me harder.
“No, Mom.” I wriggle my way out of her hold to turn toward her. Standing, I pull her into my arms.
We cry, clinging to each other until the back door opens, and my dad steps inside, removing his boots while eyeing us. “Jo, what are you doing here? What happened?”
I take a step away from my mom and wipe my eyes. “Um …”
“She and Colten are having issues.”
He rolls his eyes. “I’ll call him. He should know better.”
“What? No.” I shake my head.
Mom grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Cool your jets, Isaac. They’ll work it out on their own.”
We haven’t talked about Colten. I don’t know how to read my mom. Does she not want my dad to know? Will he not believe me the way he didn’t believe anything the psychic in New Orleans said to them years earlier?
“Have you stopped having those crazy dreams? That’s probably your problem. You need to let that crap go, Jo.”
Let it go.
Chin up, Jo.
Dust off your knees, Jo.
Don’t you dare cry, Jo.
How would he feel if he knew and actually believed I was a man (the boy he wanted) in another life? And I didn’t cry over skinned knees. I killed little girls. Would that version of me be better than the daughter who didn’t live up to his expectations less than five percent of the time? And that five percent was my lack of a penis. An impossible standard at the time.
“Isaac …” Mom wipes her face and gives him a warning.
“It was a long drive. I’m going to take a bath.” I jab my thumb over my shoulder.
Dad continues to eye me. Beneath his gruff comments about my dreams, I sense his genuine concern. We’ve spent so much time together over the years, hunting and fishing. I count on him not only as my real father in life, but as a friend too. However, he can’t fix this for me, and that will eat him alive. It’s not that he’ll believe me, just that he can’t “fix” my messed-up mind.
Oh, how I wish it were as simple as weekly counseling and a magic pill.
Mom grabs her phone from the counter and holds up the screen.
Colten.
She hands it to me. I try to resist taking it, but she shoves it into my chest. “Don’t shut him out.”
I don’t have a choice.
“Really? My mom’s phone?” I answer it, climbing the stairs, feeling exhausted and full of despair.
“I’m not walking away, Josie.”
“I know. That’s why I’m doing it.” I close the bathroom door and turn on the water to the tub. “Why did you call my mom?”
“Looking for you. I’m sitting in your living room, and you’re not here. Your toothbrush is gone. I assumed; I hoped you went home.”
“Because my parents like you and you think they’ll put in a good word for you? Sorry to disappoint you, Detective Mosley, this isn’t about you.”
“I disagree. If it’s about you, it’s about me.”
“I’m not marrying you.”
There’s a pause on the line. I grab a towel and check the water temperature. Have I upset him? Hurt him? It’s not a lie. This isn’t about him.
“I’ll take you however I can have you.”
I put him on speaker and set it on the counter while I undress. “Maybe you can have me in another life. But not this one.”
“What if I’m not asking?”
“Then you don’t know me at all.” I move the phone to the ledge of the tub and step into the water.
“What’s that sound?”
“The bathtub. I’m five seconds from ending this call. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave my house.”
“Josephine …” He sighs as I slide into the water and close my eyes. “Do you have any idea how many times you kept me from drowning? How many times your hand reached for mine like a goddamn lifeline? When everything around me felt so heavy and impossibly ugly, there you were. When I pushed you away, you kept running back to me over and over again. Even when you knew you couldn’t solve my problems … You. Held. My. Hand. Something so simple as the delicate hand of a friend is what carried me through some really tough times. Did you know that? Did you know that you carried me with one fucking hand?”
I blink, letting my tears disappear into the water. I hug my fisted hands to my heart while my body shakes with silent sobs. This is different. He had a terrible father. I was a killer. I killed little girls.
“So that’s one … one life saved by Josephine Watts. I know you’re counting. You’re thinking about the lives taken by him. Don’t let him win. He’s not here, but you are. Make it right. Do good. Be kind. Love unconditionally. If this is true, if we get more than one life, then this is your chance to be everything he wasn’t.”