Total pages in book: 78
Estimated words: 75728 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 379(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 75728 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 379(@200wpm)___ 303(@250wpm)___ 252(@300wpm)
“Always. No matter what. That’s what brothers are for,” he replied, and I would make sure that’s what we all were to each other, all four of us from here on out.
We went in, side by side. Mom was sitting on the couch, Brad and Nolan each in a chair.
“Is everything okay?” Mom asked.
“You’re not here to tell us you’re pregnant this time, are you?” Brad said, and Nolan nudged him.
“Cut that shit out,” Nolan told him.
“I was kidding. Jonathan knows I was kidding, right?” Brad asked, and I did, even if it was a little annoying.
Will stood beside me, even though there were empty seats. I was too keyed up to take one, and he was…well, he was offering his support. That’s just who Will was.
“I’m just… I’m so fucking tired of this shit. We’re going to hash it out, and we’re going to do it today and be done with it. We’re gonna start acting like a real family or…or I can’t do this anymore.”
Mom sucked in a sharp breath, Nolan and Brad’s expressions going sober.
“There are things I didn’t tell you guys when I came out.” I ran a hand through my hair and…wished Danny was here with me. Why hadn’t I asked him to come? I was stuck between wanting him by my side and feeling like I needed to do this alone. “I think it’s important that I share those things now.”
“Of course. We’re listening,” Mom replied.
My heart was beating too fast, my legs suddenly too weak. I felt like I was coming apart, so I took a few deep breaths and began to pace the room. “Dad knew,” I finally said.
“Excuse me, what?” Nolan asked.
“Well, kinda. I mean…I guess he knew? Remember my old treehouse?” I didn’t wait for them to reply. “He caught me in it…kissing a boy. My best friend. He…lost it. Made Bill leave, told me how disappointed he was in me…all sorts of things I don’t want to repeat. He tore it down afterward, remember? He got Brad and Nolan to help, purposefully leaving me out. He made the excuse that he wanted to build a new one, but he never did.”
“Jesus,” Brad said softly. “I didn’t know.”
“Jonathan?” Mom asked.
“Please, Mom. Just let me get this out first.” She nodded, and I went on. “He was different with me for a while after that. I told him I wasn’t gay, that it was a one-time thing, but something shifted in our relationship. I knew there must be something wrong with me if the person I loved most in the world, the one who loved me most in the world, thought I was wrong, and that…it messed me up. It did things to me that I’m still trying to work through. He was always watching me around my friends. He’d make comments if I did anything he thought was too soft. It’s why I quit drawing. He egged me on when I got into fights in school. He wanted to mold me, wanted me to be the son he’d decided I should be, and…I loved him. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to be just like him.” I stopped moving, stopped talking, knew Will’s hand was again on my shoulder in support as I turned to Mom. “I’m sorry, Mom—that I’m not who he wanted me to be.”
She pushed to her feet, her face set in stone, a way I’d never seen it. “You have nothing to apologize to me for, Jonathan. I love you. You’re my son, and you’re perfect the way you are. You’re exactly who I want you to be, and if anyone needs to apologize, it’s me. I didn’t know…you’re my son. I didn’t know. How could I not see what he was doing to you?”
“It’s not your fault.” At this point, fault didn’t matter. I could spend my life being miserable about what happened, blaming people and looking for a reason, or I could move on. I was tired of being a mess. Tired of living in the past. I wanted a future…with Danny.
I hugged Mom, pulling back just as Nolan said, “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“No one knew. I told Will last year, but the truth is…we were still shitty to Will regardless. Dad had nothing to do with that. And since I’ve come out, things aren’t the same with us either. We’re family. We’re brothers. Why are we letting something like who I love come between us?”
“You’re right,” Brad said, surprising me. “But, bro, it’s not just us. You’ve been different with us too. You pulled away before we even mentioned you taking a break at work. We did that for you, not because we didn’t want to be around you.”
“I’m not perfect,” Nolan said. “I’ll be the first one to admit that. I know we say dumb shit, but we love you.” He looked at Will. “Both of you…and there are times I’ve said and done the wrong thing, but I tried with you, Jonathan. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t know how to act, and…”