Total pages in book: 16
Estimated words: 15187 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 76(@200wpm)___ 61(@250wpm)___ 51(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 15187 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 76(@200wpm)___ 61(@250wpm)___ 51(@300wpm)
Your father and I grew up together; our families were very close. We both had religion shoved down our throats and the eventuality of eternal damnation. One day, when we were sixteen, your dad confided in me that he was gay. This shocked me, especially since I had been in love with him since we were thirteen. His telling me this, though, changed nothing for me.
Right before graduation, he came to me and asked me for the biggest favor of my life. He asked me to marry him and pretend we lived as husband and wife in the open. As you can imagine, I was taken aback, especially since being his wife was all I had ever wanted, but now, knowing what I know, I never thought it would happen. Plus, he was my best friend, and I knew if anyone ever found out about him, he would be disowned by his family and, therefore, mine as well. I couldn’t let that happen to him. So, I made a deal. I would do this for him, but he had to give me a baby. I always wanted to be a mother and he knew this. So he agreed.
I hope you remember we had a happy home filled with laughter and joy and, most of all a loving one. You never heard fighting, arguing, or anything heartbreaking because we loved you so much, my darling. But behind closed doors lies the truth.
Your father had another life he loved when no one was looking at the man he was in love with. I knew. He never lied to me. I guess I just thought one day he would look at the life we had and find we were enough. Instead, what happened was his lover died, and your father couldn’t bear it and took himself from us.
We were both so lost. I had not only lost my best friend but also my support. He left nothing to us and all to his lover, who was now dead. I couldn’t face it. I was weak. I always have been. I guess that is why I agreed to an arrangement where I would never be loved. I know you are stronger than me, my darling.
Why am I telling you all of this? Because you have a right to know that your dad did give me a baby, but not one made during a night of passion or even one made from his blood. We went to a clinic and found a specimen we both agreed on who looked the most like him, and that is how we made you, May. The uniqueness of the demands from this donor is my real reason for this letter. I cannot bear the thought of you being alone your entire life. There is a strong possibility you have siblings out there. I want you to find them and be happy, my love. Be the version of you I never got to be. Loved and free.
Love always,
Mom
I have been sobbing the entire time I have been reading this. My heart is broken for my mom, who was never loved as she deserved, pining for a relationship and a man who could never love her back. I am crying for my dad, who wasn’t free to love who he wanted, thus living a life of secrecy, and for myself, who wasn’t loved enough for anyone to choose me.
“Jesus, May. I am so fucking sorry, baby.” I catch the baby, but my mind is fighting to break through right now. Everything I have learned has stunned me, and yet it scares the shit out of me because it is oh too familiar. Is that what is happening with me and Logan? I mean, I know he is not gay, but am I still with him, living, depending on him because I am hoping for something that will never happen?
“I…I don’t think I can do this.” I hiccup and begin standing. In my mind, I am talking about handling all of this right now, but in my heart, I am speaking of him and I. I don’t want to end up like my mom. I want love. Real love, and I want to be loved. Shaking my head, I begin to move away from him when his hands hold both sides of my face.
“You are nothing like her, May.” I can barely see how close his face is to mine because I am blinded by heartache and tears.
“I think I am,” I cry, feeling helpless. He kisses my cheek and then my head before stopping at my mouth.
“You are nothing like her, baby. You are loved.”
“Am I?” I ask, looking up at him, needing to know.
“Yes.” Then his mouth is on mine. His kiss is everything I ever dreamt it would be like. Before I can reply, Logan has me on my back on the floor. He’s slowly undressed me and worshipping every inch of my virginal body. Every inch I saved for him. He kisses away each of my tears before sliding into me so slowly. So achingly slow.