Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 83676 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 335(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83676 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 418(@200wpm)___ 335(@250wpm)___ 279(@300wpm)
I want to protect her. I want to make sure no one ever hurts her again, but knowing she could break me keeps me from doing so. It’s pathetic. I know I’m a coward. But all I know is how to run. It’s all I’ve ever done. I let my head fall back, squeezing my eyes shut to try to clear my mind, but it isn’t working.
I don’t want to do this.
I want to go in there. I want to gather her in my arms and ask how she slept. I want to admit that I didn’t sleep at all. That I’m struggling because I want her—God, I want her—but I’ve been hurt so badly, and I don’t ever want to feel that pain again. Throwing this wall up, though, is going to hurt her. Which will hurt me. So really, I’m fucked no matter what I do. Though, the pain now will only be a sting compared to the heartbreak that would ruin us later.
I lift my head to watch her a bit more, and I clench my hands because I want to grab her so badly. I could help her with the books. I could hold her as we both read and maybe reenact what has us curious. I could let myself be with her.
I know I can’t wait much longer.
I reach for my phone and reluctantly dial her number. I watch as she puts a pen in her mouth, setting down the papers she holds, and then she pulls her phone out of her back pocket. I watch as her eyes light up, a wide grin spreading across her beautiful face before taking the pen out of her mouth. She gives a little wiggle, and my heart swells in my chest.
Then promptly shatters.
“Hey, you.”
I hesitate, my lungs not even working as my heart begs me not to do this. “Hey, Lou.”
I can’t take my eyes off her as she dances in a circle, her joy at my call gutting me deeply. I’m such a fucking coward. “I have to say, I’m excited to hear from you.”
I close my eyes, letting my head fall to the steering wheel. I slam my head into it, over and over, as I speak. “Sorry I didn’t call last night. My roommate’s car was a whole thing, and then I got back late.”
“No worries. You’re calling now.”
Not with the intention I know we both want is what I want to say, but I don’t. “Yeah, listen. I need to be honest with you.”
I open my eyes and find her slowly lowering herself into a chair. She brings her lip in between her teeth, and my stomach clenches. “Well, that doesn’t sound good.”
I clear my throat free of the emotion that is silently suffocating me. I don’t want to be like the guys who’ve hurt her, but I’m realizing I’m exactly that. “I had more fun yesterday than I can even put into words, but I feel like I gave you the impression it was more than a one-time thing.” I watch as all kinds of emotions move across her face. Anger, disappointment, and then embarrassment. She closes her eyes, and then she covers her mouth. My heart breaks in my chest at the sight of her, and I can’t take it. “I don’t mean to hurt you,” I say roughly into the phone.
She scoffs, but I can see I have hurt her. She looks at the ceiling, blinking hard as she forces a laugh. “You haven’t. I’m fine. I assumed it was a one-time thing, but I mean, I had a great time and wouldn’t turn down another hookup.”
The word hookup sets my teeth on edge.
I swallow thickly, and I almost get out of the car when I see the tears roll down her cheeks.
Those tears eviscerate me.
My own voice is gravelly as I force myself to say, “Yeah, we’ll have to see. I’m super busy, and I really don’t have the time to devote to you. You know how it is.”
“Absolutely. No worries.”
I admire her strength, but it doesn’t ease the self-loathing. All it does is make me want her more. Make me want to take back every single thing I just said and devour her. Get between her legs and make her forget every lie I spoke. Damn it. Why is this so hard? What is wrong with me?
I don’t need anyone to answer that for me. I know exactly what is wrong with me.
I want her.
Hell, might as well tear the C off my jersey and replace it with a T for Trash.
Because I am the pure trash she spoke of.
CHAPTER 20
Louisa
I wipe away the stupid tears, hating myself for being so vulnerable.
I knew this was going to happen. I did. I expected it. But still, sitting here crying over sex? I mean, come on! I’m just as tragic as the heroines in the instalove stories I’ve read. I was stupid enough to think something could happen between us. That it wasn’t a one-time thing. But I knew. Oh, I knew. We jumped each other with no cares, no questions, nothing but the primal need for each other. That stupid pull was just me being a horny bitch, and these tears, well, I don’t know what they are.