Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 100332 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 502(@200wpm)___ 401(@250wpm)___ 334(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 100332 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 502(@200wpm)___ 401(@250wpm)___ 334(@300wpm)
“Why? I’m not eating for two anymore,” I pressed out. My throat clogged up, and my eyes burned with new tears. I wasn’t sure how my body could still produce a single tear. I’d already cried so much.
“Oh Sara, love. I wish I could take this pain from you. It’s one I’d hoped you’d never experience. I know how crushing it is.”
I searched Mom’s face. “Have you experienced it?”
Mom sighed, her eyes teary. “Twice, one at seven weeks, one at eight weeks.”
“You didn’t say anything yesterday.”
“I didn’t feel like it was the right time to share my own story with you.”
I took Mom’s hand in mine. “Did you blame yourself?”
Mom paused. “I think many women worry that they did something wrong, and that’s why it happened, but most of the time, it just happens because the pregnancy wasn’t viable. Do you blame yourself?”
I looked away. I’d never felt more guilty in my life. More tears filled my eyes as I considered all the times I’d wished I wasn’t pregnant from a horrible event and how often I’d worried that the baby would remind me of what happened. What if the baby had felt so unwanted it had simply perished? I closed my eyes and let out a deep sob, my heart aching so fiercely I wasn’t sure I could take another moment of it.
“Oh, Sara, please don’t think you are to blame. Our thoughts can’t end a viable pregnancy. Nothing you did led to this. Absolutely nothing.” She squeezed my hand tightly.
I couldn’t open my eyes because I knew Mom’s gaze would be full of love and understanding, and I simply didn’t feel worthy of it right now.
“Now that it’s over, I realize just how much I wanted this baby and already cared for it.” I shuddered, holding back another sob because I felt like it would wreck me.
Mom stretched out beside me and stroked my head. “Let it all out. It’s okay. I’m here for you.”
Mom held me for a while before I felt ready to shower and get dressed. Getting naked was the hardest because my slight bump was even more obvious that way. Mom gave me some of her clothes, a loose dress that hid the signs of a pregnancy that was no more.
“I’m sure Maximus won’t mind if you spend a few days here.”
“I should go back. We’re married after all.” The empty ring of my voice scared me.
Doubt reflected on Mom’s face. It was obvious she didn’t think it was a good idea. Neither did I. “If you need me, I’m there for you. You can call me any time, Sara. I don’t think you should be alone right now. You can sleep at the apartment and spend the days helping me clean out the attic.”
I nodded, glad to have something to keep me busy.
“Should I let Maximus know he can pick you up after work?”
“Yes, please do.” I should have done it myself, but I couldn’t talk to him now. I wasn’t even sure why I felt angry with him and his lack of reaction. He didn’t have any sort of connection to the baby. Yesterday should have been the first time he would have really been part of my pregnancy…
Mom and I spent all afternoon cleaning out the attic, where boxes filled with old clothes and toys were piled high. Many of them held childhood memories of my siblings and me. Maybe I would have chosen a few of our old toys for the baby one day.
“This was a bad idea,” Mom said when she saw me clutching an old stuffed bear that played a lullaby. I shook my head. “No. I want to feel this pain. It’ll be a part of me now. I better get used to it.”
Mom looked down at her dust-covered hand and swallowed hard.
Maximus picked me up at seven in the evening. I had ignored the message he’d sent me yesterday, but I knew Mom had kept him updated. When I got into his car, I expected him to be mad because I’d just ghosted him and slept at home without even telling him. He only regarded me with a blank face for a couple of heartbeats before he turned his attention back to the street and drove off.
“My mother packed us a container with her chicken soup. It’s delicious and satisfying due to the tagliatelle she always adds to it,” I said. The warmth of the soup seeped into my lap, and I clung to the container.
“That’s nice of her. I could have gotten takeout. If you don’t feel like cooking in the next few days, I have a few great places where I used to get food when I stayed in the city.”
“I’ll cook. It keeps me busy.”
I stared straight ahead even though Maximus tried to catch my gaze a few times. From the corner of my eye, I could see his grip on the steering wheel tightening.