Total pages in book: 86
Estimated words: 81597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 408(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 272(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 81597 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 408(@200wpm)___ 326(@250wpm)___ 272(@300wpm)
“I was drunk. People talk shit when they’re drunk.”
“No, Ry. People brag, they exaggerate, they make fools of themselves… they don’t say something as serious as that.”
I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t. Why the fuck would I have said that? To Mason? Someone I’d known less than a couple of months.
“I know you were wasted, but I think you told me because you wanted me to know.”
“Bullshit. If that were true I’d remember it.”
“So you’re saying you weren’t raped?”
“Stop saying that word,” I insisted, scratching at the skin on my arms. My flesh itched from the inside, my mouth dried out and I felt sick to the pit of my stomach.
“Have you ever told anyone?”
I shook my head, my eyes burning from the unshed tears that couldn’t find the courage to fall. “That’s why I can’t do this. I can’t let someone love me. To love is to have control. I can’t let anyone have that power over me again. I won’t.”
“That’s not what love is, Ryder.”
“He loved me.”
“He didn’t,” Mason said without hesitation. “Someone who could take away someone’s free will like that isn’t capable of love.”
“But everything he said is true.” I mentally told myself to stop talking, that sharing this would only lead to more pain, more shame…but I couldn’t stop. Words kept tumbling from my mouth without my consent. “When I start feeling, when I start getting close, I remember. He told me I would and he was right. He told me love makes you weak, that you can’t control it, that the other person holds all the power and he was fucking right! The fact I even told you any of this shit proves that. I didn’t want to tell you, but I did anyway because you’ve done something to me that makes me unable to keep my guard up. Power. You’ve got it over me. You’ve got it and it frightens the ever living shit out of me, Mason!”
“Who did this to you, Ryder?”
“It doesn’t matter.” I sighed, shaking my head. “It was a long time ago.”
“How old were you?”
“Fifteen.”
“Holy shit,” he whispered. “And he’s still out there? What if he’s still doing this to other people?”
“He’s not,” I assured him. “He died a year later. Dropped dead at work. Heart attack.”
“You said he loved you, so you knew him?
Mason was pushing me and I couldn’t get my head around the fact that instead of wanting to punch him in the face, I actually craved his questions. Each answer I gave bled out a little more of the pain faster than any cut, any joint or shot of alcohol. Now my only worry was, once he knew who I really was, once he discovered how weak I really was, would he stay around or run away as fast as his feet would allow.
“He was a family friend. A police commissioner. My dad is pretty high up in the world of politics and Frank, that was his name, was one of his closest friends, an ally in all his dodgy political dealings. I’d known him since I was born, grew up with him around the family table.”
“So what happened? Why did he…” Mason trailed off, inhaling a deep breath.
“I came out to my parents a couple of weeks before. They weren’t happy. I think disgusted is putting it mildly. Frank came round to the house one day while my parents were on one of their frequent trips to parliament. Told me he knew about me. Told me I couldn’t know for sure unless I’d been with a guy. He creeped me out, but I thought it was just his way of trying to talk me out of being gay, trying to get me to change my mind and stop ‘shaming’ my parents.
“I offered him tea. He asked for something stronger so I raided my dad’s whiskey cabinet. He took his jacket off and loosened his tie and I remember feeling uncomfortable with that. He looked like he was getting settled to stay a while longer and I was embarrassed and just wanted him to leave. We talked about school for a while. I told him my dream of going to college to study culinary arts, and then he started asking why I was attracted to boys.
“He wanted to know what I liked about them, what made them attractive. Then he started asking if I thought about them when I was jerking off and what I imagined them doing to me. I was a fucking kid, I didn’t know what to say so I just shrugged. Then he…he…”
“You don’t have to do this, Ryder. If you’re not ready you-”
“No, I want to. If I don’t finish now then I’m afraid I never will and I… I need to. I want you to know this. I want you to know who I am.”