Total pages in book: 101
Estimated words: 103102 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 516(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 103102 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 516(@200wpm)___ 412(@250wpm)___ 344(@300wpm)
She nods, accepting the answer, but not necessarily liking it. She starts to talk, stops herself, starts again. “Do you still have feelings for Lexi?”
Chapter Thirty-Four
River
Do I have feelings for Lexi? The question belongs to another world, another universe, another version of myself.
The air in the room feels different. Stiller and colder.
I need to explain this with the honesty she requested, but I need to start somewhere, too. “Not the way you mean.” I cut my English muffin in half. “I don’t want her. Not as a girlfriend or a partner or a fling.”
“You don’t want her at all?”
“She’s a beautiful woman, yes. I notice that.”
“You did more than notice,” she says. “For a long time.”
“But not anymore.”
She presses her lips together. “Never?”
When does never start and end? Deanna and I have been dating—or whatever we’re calling this—for a week and a half. But we’ve known each other for years. “Not since I kissed you.”
“It happens with every guy, you know. All of my exes. Stephan. Mark. Raj. Yosuke. Ben. Alan.” She slices her Eggs Benedict in half. “The guys from high school and college, too. Even the ones who said they liked smart women. Who said my glasses were sexy. Who claimed to love my mind. The second Lexi came to visit, they wanted her.”
“How do you know?”
“They were obvious about it. Sometimes, they tried to be subtle, but they never managed. And, really, I don’t blame them for looking. She’s beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful, too.”
“Not in the same way.” She takes a bite and thinks through her swallow. “She’s basically the picture of the ideal woman.”
“A picture of the ideal woman.”
“You agree?”
“She’s curvy and blonde and bubbly, sure.” We both grew up here. We both know the vision of a California girl.
“Guys say they like smart women, but they always end up going after the bubbly blonde.”
This isn’t about me, not really. It’s about her. But I don’t push her there. I offer her space to expand. “What happened?”
“It depends on the guy. Sometimes, she didn’t know I was interested and…it’s not her fault. She asked. I always lied and said I didn’t want them. And I’d end up sitting there, on my couch, consoling this guy I liked because my sister threw him away. Asking myself if I was a pathetic loser or a good friend.”
Hurt spreads over her face. And something I never see on her: regret.
Deanna takes another bite and swallows hard. “It wasn’t always that bad. Sometimes, it was small things. They managed to compliment her while making it clear they preferred a woman like me. At first. Then, their affection for her would seep into our conversations. They’d ask why I couldn’t be more friendly or easygoing or charming. Why I didn’t do my hair or dress the way Lexi did. They didn’t always mention her specifically, but I knew they were thinking of her.”
“What if they weren’t?” I ask.
“What else would they be thinking?”
“Maybe they were frustrated,” I say. “And they didn’t know how to say it.”
Her brow furrows. “Because I’m too difficult?”
“Because they don’t know how to accept an equal,” I say.
She shakes her head no, that’s not right. “But Lexi is as smart and capable as I am.”
“Is she as easygoing as she seems?”
“No,” she admits.
“There’s probably a reason why she sticks with casual relationships.”
She nods. “That’s why we’re here, actually.”
What is she talking about?
“She’s freaking out because this thing with Jake is getting serious and she doesn’t know how to do it, and I just…I just can’t do any of this if you still like her.”
“Not the way you mean,” I say it again.
She presses her palms together, all vulnerability. “What do you mean?”
This is a rare side of her, but I can’t exactly stop and treasure it. “Was there a guy you liked when you were a teenager?”
“A few.”
“Someone you never expected to date? A member of One Direction,” I say. “Or an actor.”
“Do I look like a One Direction fan?” she asks.
“Was there someone like that?”
“Sure,” she says. “Ryan Gosling was dreamy.”
“Do you ever think about him now?”
“If I see a headline with him,” she says.
“How do you feel?”
“Young,” she says.
That’s it. But it’s not all of it. There’s so much and I barely understand it myself.
There are too many layers around it. And those layers are a mess. Thorns and barbed wire.
For years, I avoided facing it. I used my crush on Lexi as a way to not face it.
She’s always been a fantasy. And I won’t lie: my desire to escape into a fantasy is still there. Only it’s different. It’s smarter, now. It wants to latch onto someone else, to find a vision of them that’s all wedding bells and happily ever afters.
“It was like that,” I say. “She was out of reach, the way a celebrity was. And it was different, too. I wasn’t happy to move in with Grandma. Mom was never going to win Parent of the Year, but she was my mom. I loved her. I wanted to protect her. I wanted to stay with her. I hated this new, shiny place. I had no idea how anyone felt at home here. Then I saw Lexi.”