Total pages in book: 52
Estimated words: 47419 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 237(@200wpm)___ 190(@250wpm)___ 158(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 47419 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 237(@200wpm)___ 190(@250wpm)___ 158(@300wpm)
That night alone in bed I thought a lot about what Jacob said. It’s something I’ve been battling with for a while now. How had someone I thought I knew become a completely different person almost overnight?
I’ve asked myself that question a million times. I’ve looked at myself for the answers, sometimes blaming myself and sometimes laying the blame squarely at his feet, but I know the truth is in the middle somewhere.
It's weird how calm I was the day Doug confessed because I haven’t felt any of that calmness since then. I think I was in shock, to be honest, and besides, I didn’t want my son to see me melting down. The pain I felt, I swallowed because I had my kids to take care of.
But at night, like now, when I’m alone with my thoughts, the pain is unbearable. Jacob is right, though; it doesn’t cut as deep as it once did, but I want it all gone. I feel like my life has been in a rut since the divorce, while my ex-husband gets to move on and start a new life.
I don’t regret my kids, but I’d be lying if I said I don’t regret the man I chose to be their father. There’s a hole in my heart for my kids and for the broken home that will be their reality for the rest of their lives.
My children will never have the same safe secure upbringing I did, and I know how very much that is needed. That’s my biggest fear, truth be told. I’m not so much worried about myself; I’ve sworn off men for the foreseeable future, but my kids, how am I going to raise them alone without a father?
The gnawing pain in my gut wasn’t as bad as it usually is. It looks like Jacob had the right idea when he told me I should leave before they got here today. He knew, or suspected, how hard it was for me, and I’d had to beg him not to say anything to Doug about it when he threatened to confront him.
I know that’s what she wants, Wendy. Any excuse to make me the villain, but I have no interest in fighting with her for the man who threw me and his children away. I know my pain stems from what could’ve been.
I hurt for the dream that died. All the broken promises and my blind trust in another human being. It’s one of the worst lessons in life, but it’s one that countless men and women have navigated and come out better on the other side. I’m just wishing my time comes sooner rather than later because this is as close to hell as I’d ever want to get.
The feeling of not being enough, at having failed at something so monumentally important. It’s thanks to the therapist that I’m realizing that the fault wasn’t in me. That cheaters are going to cheat no matter how good you are or how much of yourself you give. It’s a defect in them and not me.
I’ve slowly come to realize from all the books and podcasts that cheaters suffer from some semblance of NPD or ASPD because only a narcissist or sociopath would do these horrible things to someone they promised to love and cherish.
I’ve seen some nauseating things from these horrible people, like my ex and his new love, about people falling in and out of love, and you can’t choose who you fall in love with. But wasn’t he in love with me when he asked me to marry him?
Why, then, did he enter my life just to destroy it? For as long as I live, I’ll carry his betrayal with me wherever I go. And the hardest part is that I did my best in my marriage as a wife and a mother. And my best wasn’t good enough.
THE BASTARD
That feeling still persists two days later. For some reason, I can’t seem to shake it off, and it’s interrupting everything else in my life. Last night, for the first time, I couldn’t get it up. I had no interest in intercourse with Wendy. In fact, I felt absolutely repulsed by her touch.
She accepted my excuse of being tired from the day before from helping set up the party and then the day spent with my son, but how long is she going to buy that excuse? The way I feel now, I don’t think I’ll ever have sex again.
I know that’s a passing feeling, but right now it feels like what my future is going to look like. I just wish I knew why this feeling was hitting me so hard now, months after the divorce. I feel despondent like life has no real meaning anymore.
I tried reminding myself of all the reasons I’d fallen out of love with Rachel, but for the life of me, I can’t seem to remember any of them or the ones I do, no longer seem to matter.