Total pages in book: 127
Estimated words: 122219 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 611(@200wpm)___ 489(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 122219 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 611(@200wpm)___ 489(@250wpm)___ 407(@300wpm)
Sure, we had this newfound friendship, but I couldn’t help but wish it was more.
I figured I’d always want more with that woman. She was the only thing I couldn’t get enough of.
“Walking off the eggnog?” a voice said, breaking me from my thoughts.
I turned to see my mother standing in the doorframe of the stables with a smile on her face. Her arms were crossed over her large puffer jacket as she walked toward me. She gently nudged me in the arm. “Or are you overthinking things?”
I gave her a smile. “Me? Overthink? Psh. Never.”
She frowned and shook her head. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
“Sorry? For what?”
“For not seeing how much pressure your father put on you.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What are you talking about?”
“I had a heart-to-heart with your brother Evan. Lord knows how much eggnog it took for him to open up. You know that boy’s stubborn with his feelings. But he told me he was scared about being a father again. Then he told me about a conversation you and he had on Halloween.”
“Oh…that.”
“Yes. That. Sweetheart…” Her eyes were packed with emotion. “Were all the choices you made back then an outcome of what went down between you and your father the night he passed?”
I hesitated to reply because it didn’t matter anymore. “That was a long time ago.”
“Still…it matters.”
“Why would it matter?”
“Because it would mean you gave up your life to save this farm. A farm that wasn’t your dream.”
“This place is home to me, Mom. We would’ve lost everything.”
“And we would’ve found something new.” She placed a comforting hand against my cheek. “You’ve done more than enough for this family, Nathan. You’ve saved enough people. Now it’s time for you to put yourself first. It’s time for your life to take flight. And I am so sorry that I didn’t notice the way your father was with you. I was too lost in the ways he was hurting me that I didn’t even know that he was doing the same to my boys.”
I leaned toward her and kissed the top of her head before pulling her into a hug. “We’re all okay, Mom. We boys turned out all right because we had a strong woman leading us.”
She hugged me back. Once she let go, she wiped away her falling tears. “Well, since it’s the holiday season, I figured I could give you one Christmas gift early before tomorrow. Don’t tell your brothers. Lord knows they’ll give me a hard time and claim I was playing favorites.”
“A gift?” I asked. “What is it?”
“Who,” she corrected. “Who is it, you mean.”
Right then, Avery stepped into the stable with a small smile on her face. I stood confused for a moment before Mom leaned toward me and kissed my cheek. “Merry Christmas, Nate. Momma loves you.”
She walked away, leaving me standing there a bit dazed and confused by Avery’s appearance. Avery took a few steps toward me, her nervousness apparent.
“Hi there,” she said with a small smile.
“Hi there,” I replied, moving closer. “What’s going on?”
“Remember when I lived with you and we had a conversation about happiness versus contentment?”
“Yeah. I recall.”
“You said that when people are in love, being content wasn’t good enough. You said there needed to be a word to express the meaning behind that kind of love. Well, I figured out the word that encompasses what love is and that full feeling. The feeling that fills you up from your head to your toes. That feeling of a nature high, where all hurts stop hurting and joy exists tenfold. I know what the word for that is.”
“What is it?”
“You.” Her eyes glassed over, and she shook her head slowly. Her shoulders shrugged. “It’s you, Nathan.”
I shut my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. “Coach, don’t come in here on Christmas Eve and play with my emotions. Because it’s getting a lot harder for me not to wrap my arms around you every fucking day.”
“I know, and I have this whole speech in my head that I want to say to you. I’ve been playing it over and over for weeks now. I get that I’m negative and expect the worst outcome. I hardly let my guard down, and if I do, I build it back up quickly. I jump to conclusions. I’m mean—”
“Avery—”
“Wait, let me finish,” she urged as a flash of emotions sliced through her eyes. “I’m also moody, and scarred, and scared. Mostly that. Mostly, I’m scared, Nathan. I’m scared of being abandoned. I’m scared of being alone. Which is ironic because I self-sabotage and push everyone away in order to avoid being left behind, which ends up leaving me alone. I’m grumpy and don’t smile enough. I pick fights that don’t need to be picked. I get it. I know I’m hard to love, okay? I know I’m a mess and all over the place, and I’m just learning how not to be all these things, but I can’t let this year go by without telling you how I feel.