Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 84952 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 425(@200wpm)___ 340(@250wpm)___ 283(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84952 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 425(@200wpm)___ 340(@250wpm)___ 283(@300wpm)
“What’s her name, sweet boy?”
“Larissa Mason.”
“Mm-hmm.”
I let the back of my head hit the booth.
“So, what’s the problem? I’m not seeing it,” she says.
“Because you don’t know me well enough to see it either. Look, Grandma Judy,” I say, shaking my head, “I don’t belong in this world down here.”
“Where do you belong then?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
She reaches across the table and pats my hand. There’s a sadness in her eyes for me.
“It would be really easy for me to sit here and tell you to have faith in yourself and her,” Judy says. “And that’s the truth. You should. But you aren’t gonna listen to that, are you?”
My foot taps against the floor as my eyes sting. That fucking song about the stars plays over and over in my head. I can’t escape it. It just becomes too much.
“Faith is lies,” I say. “What am I supposed to do? Have faith that Larissa sees me differently than I am. When push comes to shove, I’m me and I can’t get around that.”
“Maybe she doesn’t see you like you see yourself. Maybe she sees you like I do.”
I appreciate her smile, but it makes me sadder.
“Do you know how hard it is to know that no one wants you?” I ask her.
Her eyes go wide, but she doesn’t say anything.
“I’m sure you don’t because you’re a great person. But I’m going to tell you that I’m not like that. I’m not the guy that people keep around. And that’s cool. I’ve accepted it about myself. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt like a motherfucker.”
“Oh, honey.”
My chest burns as I spew my truth, something I’ve never done out loud before. It’s freeing and cathartic and, before I know it, my mouth is running again.
“I don’t want to go through that again,” I say, more animated this time. “It hurts so fucking bad, and you just gotta keep going. You have to get up the next morning and go to class or to work or whatever it is and know the whole time that you’re just out there by yourself. You wonder if everyone is looking at you—like can they see the stain on your soul?”
“Hollis, stop that.”
“Why? It’s true.” My jaw clenches. “I’m like a pet that is left on the side of the road when the family moves, Judy. And that’s fine. But it’s a whole hell of a lot easier to just stay alone than to watch that car drive off.”
“So, we’re moving, Hollis. I got a job offer in Detroit. Kim will make some calls, but it’s probably not legal to take you with us, and you’ll be eighteen soon enough anyway …”
My eyes burn with a mixture of anger and pain, but I hide it from the only lady who’s ever accepted me.
“I can’t imagine what it would feel like to watch Riss leave me,” I say, my voice wobbly. “I’m sure I wouldn’t survive it.”
“Hollis, honey, listen to your grandma,” she says. “Every door that has closed on you wasn’t your door. The good Lord isn’t going to let you walk into a room that’s not the room for you.”
I wipe my face with the back of my hand.
“Think about it,” she says. “If all of those people tucked you up under their arm and took you with them, would you be here and falling in love with Larissa?”
“No, but … I …”
In love with Larissa.
Panic streaks through me as I shake my head. “No, Judy. No, no, no. It’s not like that.”
“I think it might be.”
“You’re wrong this time.”
She shrugs. “Maybe. I’m human. But I know for a fact with my hand up that you are right where you’re supposed to be. You just don’t want to accept it.”
“Because it’s not true.”
She pats my hand again. “Sweetie, it’s okay to be scared. Especially if people have given you little reason to have hope in humanity. But those aren’t your people. God had to push them away so you could make it down here to your grandma Judy and Miss Larissa. Let us love you through this. Don’t push us all away.”
I wish. I wish so badly that she was right, and that this is where I belong. That I could come in here and have breakfast with Grandma Judy on the weekends and bring Larissa with me to meet her.
That I didn’t have to push them all away.
But all of that is a fantasy, a dream that won’t come true. Dreams don’t.
No matter how many stars I wish on.
Because I’ve tried that too. All that’s out there are dark skies.
Twenty-Three
Larissa
Patience is not my forte.
I dump my oatmeal down the garbage disposal.
I glance at my phone for the millionth time since Hollis dropped me off almost twelve hours ago.
What happened?
My emotions have gone through the wringer since he kissed me like his life depended on it and then waited for me to lock the door.