Total pages in book: 162
Estimated words: 154728 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 774(@200wpm)___ 619(@250wpm)___ 516(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 154728 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 774(@200wpm)___ 619(@250wpm)___ 516(@300wpm)
Our relationship was different, there was no way around it. Our chemistry still lingered, at least a whisper of it. But both of us were too tired for much else. When I had the energy, I mourned that, worried if we’d get it back since we hadn’t been together long enough to create a foundation to come back to.
The worry was exacerbated by the news of my father. That pulled the rug out from under me. I had to reevaluate the man I’d loved so fiercely. And whatever Freudian bullshit was at play, it made me rethink things with Kane.
How my feelings and past with my father were tied to my present with Kane was anyone’s guess. But my father was the man I/ trusted most in the world, and to learn that had been built on a lie shook me.
I told Kane about it, even though part of me wanted to keep it hidden, bury it back down and pretend my mother had never told me.
But already, the knowledge was corroding my insides, and the thought of keeping something like that from Kane, when he hadn’t kept anything from me, felt wrong.
I told him in whispers, after the baby was put down, glancing back at her, trying to fathom my father walking out on a baby that small.
His baby.
Me.
In my life, I’d never questioned if my father had loved me. Adored me.
After I finished, Kane’s eyes traveled to the bassinet too, as if he were thinking the same thoughts.
“Babe… Fuck,” he said, scrubbing a hand down his face.
“Yeah, my thoughts exactly.” I blew out a long breath, still unable to process the information. My mother had expressed regret for telling me after she’d watched me intently throughout the night.
“I didn’t mean to load your shoulders with even heavier weight,” she murmured after dinner. “I thought it would help you understand that even the most wonderful people—and your father was a decidedly wonderful person—struggle immensely with this stage in life. Instead, I stole your hero, made you question everything. Something you’re learning now is that as a mother, you’re constantly wondering what the right decision is. Right now, it’s regarding swaddling, feeding, napping. And then when they’re older, it’s over what truths to omit and which to tell. As you can see, I’m still getting it wrong.”
Again, I felt blown away by the weight of motherhood, yet another thread weaved my mother and I closer.
Which I appreciated.
“You didn’t get it wrong,” I told her. “I’m glad I know now.”
I wasn’t lying. Not exactly.
“I’m sorry,” Kane said as he rubbed my back. “This on top of your adjustment to life as a mother… It’s a lot. What can I do? How can I help?”
“Even the most amazing man can’t help me with this,” I sighed. “And you are the most amazing man. But you are not able to fix this, get my body, or my bladder control, back.”
I hadn’t meant to say that last part. I wasn’t an overly shameful person and didn’t get embarrassed over bodily functions, but I also didn’t want Kane knowing about my bladder control, or lack thereof. He’d already seen me fully dilated. That was enough.
Kane didn’t look perturbed about the bladder control comment, though. Although he was nice enough and smart enough to school his features if it did freak him out. “Your body doesn’t need to be fixed,” he framed my face with his strong hands. “Your body grew our child, brought her into this world and is now keeping her alive. You absolutely should not worry about your bladder control or your hemorrhoids.”
There was a low ringing in my ears. “I didn’t say anything about hemorrhoids,” I gasped, horrified.
Kane chuckled, obviously not as smart as I’d credited him for considering he was laughing at me at that moment. “Babe, I read everything and anything I could on not just pregnancy but the childbirth process. I wanted to know exactly what your body was going through so I’d know how to help. I know about hemorrhoids. They’re completely normal, and again, evidence of our child being brought safely into this world.”
“This conversation isn’t happening.” I hid my face in the crook of his neck. “I’m not talking to my super-hot, super-muscled boyfriend about hemorrhoids.”
Kane pulled me up to look at him, his brow furrowed. “You can talk to me about anything.”
“Anything except hemorrhoids,” I corrected. “Though the prospect is a bit worrying right now. I would like you to eventually fuck me again and find me attractive.”
Kane’s brows flattened, his mouth turned down and his eyes went downright stormy.
He grasped my neck roughly, reminiscent of the way he used to grab me before I birthed a child and ruined my vagina.
Even ruined, my vagina responded to the touch.
“That is the last fuckin’ time I’m gonna hear any kind of bullshit to that end,” he growled. “I have always found you to be the most breathtaking creature to walk the earth. And then you grew my child. You brought her into this world. I truly didn’t think I could love you, worship you, more. Than I did. Than I do. Every day. As I watch you grow into this. Blossom into this.”