Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 111089 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 111089 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
A flood of emotions overwhelmed me. I spent so much of my life keeping these memories at bay, but now I was letting them flow from my mouth, and it brought up even more pain than I’d anticipated.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned swiftly to see Kyle beside me.
Fuck no.
I could tell by the look in his eyes that he just wanted to be there for me while I was in pain, but he was so close, and I was so fucking weak.
“I just wonder how I didn’t ask the right questions, or if I wasn’t really listening. I remember sometimes he would give me this look, like there was something he needed to tell me. And I should have pressed, or figured something was wrong, but I was so fucking selfish that I never…”
“There was no way you could have known what he was thinking back then. You only know now because you’ve seen the letters and journal entries. He wouldn’t have wanted you to put this on yourself like this.”
His sympathy, his kindness, his hand against my shoulder…it was all too much for me.
“Kyle, I know you mean well, but can you please not touch me right now?”
His eyes widened as he pulled his hand away, looking stunned, hurt by my request. His gaze wandered the room, as though he was having a hard time understanding what he’d done wrong. “I’m…I… What did I…”
“Kyle, I didn’t mean that it wasn’t thoughtful or that I didn’t want your support. It’s just…complicated.”
His expression tensed up. “No, you’re making it complicated. There’s nothing complicated about what we’re doing right now. Or that I want to be here for you. Or that I want… God, I can’t even say what I want because I’m worried you’re going to freak the moment I spit the words out.”
I tucked the brochure and picture on the bookshelf behind me as I rose to my feet. This was a conversation that needed to be had eye to eye, man to man.
“Whether we like it or not, you’re my student,” I said, not just for his sake, but my own. Reminding myself why the hell even the conversation we’d just shared was a mistake.
No, not a mistake, but wrong.
“This isn’t appropriate.” I regretted saying the words, but it was the truth, and I had to admit that, to myself, to Kyle.
“Fuck what’s appropriate. Is that why you brought us into your office, put this desk between us? You tell me about your brother, and you think I’m not going to want to console you?”
“I’m sorry, I—”
“I don’t need you to be sorry. I need you to be honest with yourself. You think I like this any more than you do? You think you’re the only one who’s struggling with what’s happening between us? You think I woke up one day, thought I’d get the hots for some rule-following, pushover nerd who isn’t fucking man enough to say what he really wants in this world?”
Damn, that one hurt, but it was true.
“It isn’t fair or right that you put this wall up,” he continued, “but then open these doors just enough to show me these beautiful things inside you that I don’t even think you see sometimes. But then, just when I think they’re going to open even more, they snap back shut, every time.”
“I was just trying to be there for you, see why you were so hurt, and I thought…”
“Don’t lie to me or yourself. You wanted to get inside me as much as I wanted to get inside you. And everything we’ve been doing has been to pretend we can skirt a line we’ve already crossed.”
He wasn’t wrong about anything, something that was impossible for me to deny as he stood before me in my office, me feeling as vulnerable as ever beside him, wanting him as much as I ever had.
“I’m sorry. I—”
“Jesus Christ, James. I don’t want you to be fucking sorry. I want you to stop being a coward. I want you to stop pretending and be honest with yourself about what I’m doing here right now.”
I couldn’t listen anymore.
We had crossed the line, but we had to go back.
“I think it’s best if you go.”
He moved toward me, the intensity of his expression fucking frightening me as he cornered me against the wall.
“If you want me to stop pursuing you, say it.” A bead of spit shot out of his mouth, landing on my face as he said the words through his teeth. It only intensified my already overpowering desire. “Tell me you mean it, that you don’t have to turn and adjust your pants in class because of me. That you don’t jizz thinking about how good I might feel, how if fucking is anything like kissing, your nerves might never stop buzzing, stinging with life…real life…the kind that’s the only thing that makes living in this fucked-up world worth it. Tell me you don’t spend every day fantasizing about where we could finally make this happen. Tell me that you want me to stop. I want to hear you lie to me and yourself, out loud, and then I’ll be fucking gone. I’ll never bother you again.”