Total pages in book: 116
Estimated words: 111089 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 111089 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 555(@200wpm)___ 444(@250wpm)___ 370(@300wpm)
By now, Kyle was gently stroking the back of my hand with his thumb, as though wanting me to know he was there for me, to listen to my pain and heartache. “She really did a number on my Big Man.”
“Yeah, she did. She had a hard past. Her dad was toxic and abusive, something I had to remind myself of every time she did something that felt cruel to me. I think I confused the explanation for an excuse, used her own pain to right so many wrongs.”
“Just because bad things happened to her didn’t give her the right to do bad things to you.”
I knew he was right, but this surge of energy pushed through me, and I caught myself. “Funny, I was about to tell you that we shouldn’t have been talking about her like that. My instinct is still to protect her. Yet I don’t ever recall a time that she protected me. And then I wonder if maybe I’m misremembering it all, painting it all black because of my pain, and I get lost…”
“No more of that,” Kyle said, the anger in his tone cutting through the air like a knife. “She did you wrong. She’s still doing you wrong. But a part of me understands why she still wants to be in your life, because if I were your wife, I wouldn’t let you go easily.” His gaze fixed on mine, and he looked as determined as ever. “I would fight to show you I was worthy, to show you what it means to be respected and appreciated. I would never let you forget you’re special. That you deserve to be worshipped.”
It reminded me of that day when he’d talked as if he could be my wife. It wasn’t just the peculiar scenario he presented that caught my attention, but how full of conviction he was about what he said. It caught me off guard.
“Why did you look away from me when I said that?” Kyle asked.
“Did I? I hadn’t noticed.” A lie, and he glared at me to let me know he knew me too well for that. “You sound so serious when you talk like that, angry even. I don’t understand how you could say things like that and sound so hateful.”
“I hate what she did to you, and I hate what the world is doing to us. We are like Catherine and Heathcliff. Don’t we feel pain too? Don’t you feel that sting, that burn of what we’re doing? The fear and worry, but then knowing none of it fucking matters because everything else is so worth it?”
“Yes, but you aren’t the thing causing any of that pain. You’re the remedy, which is the way it should be.”
He gulped, smirking.
But his words were reminiscent of his responses for class, and made me reflect on his comments about pain now.
“It’s painful for me too,” I said, “but you’ll tell me when it’s too painful, right?”
His gaze drifted, and I knew it was there, just as it was for me. How could it not be?
“I’m sorry, Kyle. I wasn’t trying to spoil the afternoon.”
“No. I like that you asked. It’s one thing with my friends and Tex…even not telling the therapist. It’s okay dealing with one secret, but now I have this other, and secrets are hard, aren’t they?”
After our talk over winter break, I managed to get him to see a virtual therapist about his issues with his father, and once he’d become comfortable, he’d been willing to head into Atlanta a few days each month to talk with someone who wouldn’t be associated with his old church. I could tell it was helping.
Yet even with that, there were some things he had to keep to himself, and I was the reason for that.
“But that’s not the hardest part for me, James. It’s so much worse that it keeps getting stronger and stronger, and I’m terrified that it will always be like this. Or that it will have to stop at some point. That’s what hurts.”
“Why would it have to stop?”
“Come on. I’m young, not dumb. There’s only one way we can keep this going past all this, and I’ve been good at pretending because it’s been a whirlwind and everything, but I know you have too much to lose that, even if we did want something more, we’d always have to be quiet about it.”
It was something I’d thought about, and it was clear this wasn’t his first time thinking about it either.
“I guess in getting carried away and working to keep our secrets, we’ve been so focused on seizing the day that we didn’t really consider the future as much as we should have.”
“I’m not trying to pressure you into anything,” he said. “You mentioned pain, and I was telling you where it was. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have.”