Total pages in book: 110
Estimated words: 106798 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106798 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 534(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 356(@300wpm)
“O-kay …” He narrows his eyes, pausing his pacing. “You don’t have to tell me that. We don’t have that kind of marriage.”
I laugh despite the pain tearing at my chest, making it ache more than my head. “I know we don’t. But I’m attracted to you. And before you freak out, it’s nothing.”
It’s everything. He’s all I can think about. Lying is the most honest form of self-preservation. It sounds like an oxymoron. It’s not. It might be the only form of self-preservation. The truth requires absolute risk. Truth preserves no one or anything but the truth.
I shrug. “For the record, I have a crush on Michael B. Jordan, K.J. Apa, and Charlie Puth too.” My fingers lightly touch the bandage on my head. “So don’t read into it.”
Zach blinks several times. “And did you tell them you had sex?”
“Not yet. I’m sure I’ll slide into their DMs later.”
“I’m …” Zach shakes his head slowly, brow wrinkled. “Flattered.”
Grunting, I avert my gaze. “My intent isn’t to flatter you.”
Tucking his hands into the back pockets of his jeans, he silently demands my attention; the intensity of his gaze is palpable on my skin. When I inch mine back to his face, he asks, “Then what is your intention?”
Sitting up straighter, I pull my legs toward me, hugging them to my chest like a shield. “Want to know what makes a man really sexy?”
His cheeks turn a little pink, bleeding vulnerability. I love his vulnerable side. I fell in love with it first.
I stare at the end of the bed because I know every single feeling I have for Zach is in my eyes, impossible to hide from him or anyone else. “Kindness.” Risking a glance up for less than a second, I peek at his reaction—clearly not what he expected me to say. Tucking my chin again, I blow out a slow breath. “Not kindness toward me, although you’ve been that times infinity. It was how you treated Suzie. Everything you did for her. The way you took care of her. The way you looked at her. The love. The kindness. It’s like watching a movie where a character, whom you don’t necessarily fall for right away, wins your heart because of their … well, their character. Everything that’s inside. Everything that’s not a physical trait, social standing, or the balance of a bank account. It’s just … him. He’s a good human being. You’re a good human being, Zach. And I find that incredibly sexy. So some days it’s hard to look at you, knowing you’re my husband, but … not that kind of husband, when I’ve spent so much of my life dreaming of the idea of you.”
When he doesn’t respond for so long it starts to get even more awkward, I glance up at him again. His unreadable expression.
“You think the idea of me is … is…” he fumbles his words, eyes slightly narrowed like he’s having trouble finding the right ones “…appealing. You hope that one day you’ll find a man who loves you the way I loved Suzanne. Not really me. Just someone like me.”
Is my heart ready to stop lying or am I still in self-preservation mode? It’s him. I’m not confused. I love Zach. I admired him. Sure, I envied Suzie because I wanted a Zach in my life. But I didn’t fall in love with him, Suzie’s Zach, until she died. I’ve felt his love, even if it isn’t romantic. I still feel his love for me.
I don’t say anything because I hate the lies, yet I’m so afraid of the truth. Instead, I nod slowly like I agree with him. I don’t agree with him, but I understand what he’s saying. And maybe he means it, or maybe he’s lying to protect something he’s not ready to share or admit.
The door to the room opens behind Zach.
“Hey.” Leah steps inside.
“Hey.” I smile like I mean it. “Have you two met?”
Leah gives Zach a grin and a nod. “Yes. I’m the one who let him in.”
Of course. I didn’t focus on that part when I woke to him in my room.
“What can I get you to eat?” she asks.
“I’m staying for a few days and taking her back to my hotel if that’s okay with you?” Zach asks Leah.
“I’m fine. I have medication again. I’m … fine.”
Leah’s gaze bounces between me and Zach. “Um … you could definitely use a few days to recoup.”
“I’m fine.”
Her eyes widen as she rubs her lips together.
“It’s nonnegotiable,” Zach says.
“You’re not my parent, Zach.”
“I’m your husband.”
Leah’s lips part as she gawks at me.
Yeah, yeah … I heard him.
I frown at her, then I share it with him. He doesn’t know I told her. He said it anyway. “Think you can play that card whenever you want to make me do something against my will?”