Total pages in book: 362
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 347293 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1736(@200wpm)___ 1389(@250wpm)___ 1158(@300wpm)
And that wasn’t the only thing haunting me.
When we were awake earlier, it had only been long enough to eat and for Ash to check in with the others. He hadn’t been gone for more than ten minutes—I honestly didn’t think he’d even left the fourth floor. But when he returned, his flesh was noticeably warmer. Ash had given me his blood then, which was why I was sitting outside, possibly turning into a Primal ice cube.
I remembered what I’d learned before…everything happened.
Ash had been feeding from Rhain.
A shaky breath left me, and I closed my eyes. That wasn’t the only thing I’d been thinking about, though. What I’d done occupied my thoughts, as did what Ash had said to me. He had been right. I had to face it, accept it—even though it would be painful—and live with it. Accepting it also meant facing a harsh truth about myself.
And what I’d been through.
Not just with Kolis but also with Tavius and my training. I forced myself to sit with it just like I had that day in the library. To acknowledge things I hadn’t shared with Aios. Moments I’d convinced myself weren’t happening when they were, and still pretended to this very moment hadn’t occurred. But no amount of refusing to acknowledge what had really taken place when Kolis fed from me stopped the truth from haunting the farthest recesses of my mind or finding me in sleep.
When Kolis bit me the second time, he hadn’t just held me as he found pleasure. I counted my breaths.
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
He had touched me as he fed from me. He’d held me in his lap, my feet unable to touch the floor, and the hand that skimmed over the fucking poor excuse for a dress had slipped under.
My hands were clenched as tightly now as they had been then. No matter how far I had retreated in my mind as part of him invaded me, my subconscious still remembered. My body could still feel the rough, scalding jab of his fingers. Mentally, I hadn’t been there when it happened, but a part of my soul had been there every single fucking day since. And telling myself it could’ve been worse no longer helped. Saying that it wasn’t assault just because he’d used his fangs and fingers instead of his dick didn’t change that it was. It didn’t change who I was. Didn’t change that I had been a victim.
My nails dug into my palms as I counted. One, two, three, four, five. Being a victim wasn’t a weakness, a stain, or something to be ashamed of. All those ugly things were bestowed upon the victimizer. That wasn’t on me.
“Sera.”
My eyes flew open at the sound of Ash’s voice. I’d been so lost in my thoughts I hadn’t heard him walk out onto the balcony or felt how close he was, standing only a few feet from me.
His hair lay free, brushing his bare shoulders and that hard-as-granite jawline. He moved as if to come closer but halted, his eyes burning brightly under the starlight. “What are you doing out here, liessa?”
I swallowed. “Thinking.”
He stared at me intently, like he did every so often, and I suspected he was checking to see if all the bruises had faded. Most of them had. Just a few pale blue ones remained, and I knew it bothered him. The bruises should be completely gone by now, and I was willing to bet I would be having a one-on-one with the Healer tomorrow if they weren’t.
“And freezing while doing so?” he said finally.
A wan smile tugged at my lips. “It’s not that cold.” My gaze moved, taking in the hard-packed muscles of his chest and abdomen. Even his feet were bare. “I have far more clothing on than you do.”
“Good point,” he acknowledged with a tilt of his head. “But I don’t feel the cold like you do.”
It was strange that Kolis now felt as cold as Ash, but Kolis’s frigidness hurt to come into contact with. Ash’s never did. My gaze swept over his face. There were still faint shadows of weariness under his eyes.
His chest rose with a deep breath. “How long have you been awake?”
“I don’t know.” I glanced at the sky, seeing no hints of dawn. “A couple of hours.”
Concern flickered across his features. “You’ve been out here this whole time?”
“I couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to wake you.”
“I’d rather you had awakened me.” He came forward then, sitting beside me.
“You’re tired, Ash, and you need your sleep. The fact that you didn’t wake up when I left is evidence of that.”
“You need your rest, too.” His gaze dropped to my hands in my lap. “More so than I do.”
Ash reached over and picked up my hands. He carefully straightened my fingers, stiffening when he saw the three little crescent-shaped marks on each of my palms left behind by my fingernails.