Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 69910 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 350(@200wpm)___ 280(@250wpm)___ 233(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 69910 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 350(@200wpm)___ 280(@250wpm)___ 233(@300wpm)
“I got a restraining order.” We know each other too well. Dad can read everything I’m thinking so well that it’s like I screamed it. “She couldn’t come to the house, or she would have been arrested.”
Would that have stopped me from seeing my own child? Or would the fear of being arrested in front of my daughter, and the way it would no doubt traumatize her, prevent me from being rash?
“Jesus Christ!” Why would you do that? By punishing her in your bitterness, you were punishing me, too. Did you ever think about that? Yes, you did. You did, yet you did it anyway. She left you, not me. She didn’t want to be married to you anymore, but she still wanted to be my mom. I need a walk. I need a walk so Dad can’t see my face. It’s not fair or mature to voice any of this. Things said in a rage aren’t okay. They’re damaging, and the damage is for life.
Just like Apollo leaving, it’s already done. The only thing to do is live with it and move on from here.
Just. Like. Apollo.
“No.” I one track that word on repeat from the doorway, where I’ve frozen. Still facing away. Because I can’t bear to turn around. I’m afraid of what’s going to come out next. “You didn’t. Not Apollo too.”
“I’m sorry, Pay. I asked him not to call you or write to you before he left. I said it would only hurt you past what you could bear. Your mom was already gone, and if he was leaving, then he didn’t need to cause you more pain.” Remorse. I’ve never, ever heard my father sound this close to defeat. He sounds like a stranger. The man who would do these things isn’t the parent I know.
“You didn’t think I was old enough to make that decision for myself?”
“You were just a little kid. You were in so much pain from losing your mom.”
“I didn’t have to lose her, though,” I bit back in response.
“She’s never been stable. She’s moved from place to place. And there were things you didn’t understand about your mom’s mental health.”
“I would never have had to live with her, Dad. I just wanted to hear from her. I needed her so badly. A visit, a card, a call…it wouldn’t have hurt. If you think it would have ruined my life or damaged me to hear from her, then I’m not sure your mind was in the right place either. Or your heart. What you did was cold and heartless. It was more about payback than about keeping me safe. I understand the motivation behind it, or at least half understand, but it didn’t have to continue for years. And certainly not Apollo. You punished him too. You might have wanted to protect me, and yes, it hurt to lose him, but it would have hurt a lot less to have been long-distance friends. I needed him. I needed my best friend, and I needed my mom.”
“They both would have let you down.”
I’ve never been someone who smashes things when I get angry. In fact, I’m not someone who usually gets angry at all. But right now? I’m angry enough to go full-on rage tornado. To be fair, I wouldn’t pull anything in this house apart. I wouldn’t slam a door in my own place, let alone in someone else’s home, but the thought is there in my mind. I imagine myself slamming something, breaking a dish, and yelling. It’s satisfying, even if it’s in my own head, which is pretty darn scary in itself.
I don’t want to be that person.
I still want a relationship with my dad because he’s my dad. He’s a father, but that never made anyone perfect. And my mom? I need to undo whatever it is that’s been done all these years, starting with that restraining order. I’m an adult now. All that’s left for me to do is to make my own decisions.
And Apollo?
Ever since I came out here, I’ve been punishing him for something he didn’t have any control over, either. He obeyed my dad, an adult he trusted. He listened to my Dad when he said it would cause me pain. He didn’t want that.
He came back. He tried to help us, tried to help me. He tried to give me a freaking house, which he built from my childhood dreams. He told me that he liked me as a kid. Maybe this was entirely about asking for my forgiveness in extreme, wild ways, but he doesn’t have anything to apologize for.
“Patience? Please don’t hate me. I’m sorry. I didn’t believe I was wrong, but I should have told you when you were eighteen.”
“You should have told me sooner.” My tone of voice is snappy. I need to get out of here, but I’m not going to leave things this way. I just can’t. It’s not an acceptance of his apology, which I believe is sincere, but it’s an acknowledgment that I’m going to think about it and will not punish him forever because I don’t want to destroy the rest of our lives. “You shouldn’t have done any of it. I just…I can’t go home with you now. I need time to think, time to undo this, and time to reach out to the people I’ve unknowingly hurt. You have the company to run. You’ve always done an incredible job, and your work truly does matter. I love every single person there. Just because I’m not there doesn’t mean it’s not important. It’s safe now, so please go back and do the amazing work you’ve always done.”