Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 69910 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 350(@200wpm)___ 280(@250wpm)___ 233(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 69910 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 350(@200wpm)___ 280(@250wpm)___ 233(@300wpm)
I can’t bear to look at Dad right now because I’m scared of what I’ll see. I don’t want to look at a broken man. It’s not a pride thing for me, but I want to salvage his. “We’ll say goodbye in the morning before you leave. I still love you. I’m always going to love you, and we’ll figure out a way to repair our relationship too. You’re always going to be my dad. That’s never going to change. I don’t need to find it in my heart to forgive you because I already do. I think the last thing you need is to be alone. I lost my best friend for years, and you have as well. I’m going to find a way to work it out, and I think you need to talk to John as well. Keep trying to talk. Don’t let it go. Don’t let him go because friendship matters. Sometimes, it’s all that keeps us going. The people we loved and still love matter.”
“Patience…”
“Goodnight, Dad. I think we just need to talk in the morning, okay?”
I think he knows I’ve been pushed about as far as I can be pushed. I’m trying to handle this with maturity and grace. But it doesn’t mean I’m not bloodied, horrified, deeply saddened, and steaming mad.
The tension in the room is going to kill me. At this rate, I’m going to suffocate.
“Okay,” he sighs. “We’ll talk in the morning.”
I want to offer some words of comfort. Something to make the long hours of the night and all those thoughts he’s going to be battling with better, but I just have nothing. I don’t know how to make this better for myself, but I do know what I can do to make it better for one other person.
CHAPTER 14
Apollo
I can’t think of a single time when I haven’t been able to lose myself in the water. It’s so corny to say that it washes all the shit away, and I guess it doesn’t, but at least it usually clears my mind for the moment. If I concentrate on pushing myself, timing my breathing, achieving the perfect stroke on my time, feeling the burn in my muscles, denying my body, and pushing myself further and harder every single time, then that’s a pretty good way to clear my mind.
I’m not competing. I haven’t for a while now. I swim for the love of it, and there’s no way I can get into a hardcore-focused rhythm tonight, no matter how hard I try.
Half of me keeps thinking about that kiss. And the other half is the small voice that nags at me the way it’s nagged for years. It’s the little tickle in my brain that keeps saying I told Patience everything I could, but it wasn’t nearly enough.
I don’t know how many laps I’ve swum out here, but I can’t tire myself out. I can’t get my brain to shut it, and my body is so far from being worn out. I have endless breaths, and it just keeps coming. Fresh bursts of energy whenever I alternate between anger at myself, life, the house, my decisions, our conversation, and then that kiss.
Maybe offering to go back with Patience was a mistake. Well, no, I didn’t really offer. I didn’t give her a choice. I built this house and married her without giving her a choice. It’s not fair to her. She’s going to think I’m a borderline psychopath. I keep having these thoughts, and then I keep pushing her harder and harder, trying to get close to her.
The right thing to do is to give her space.
When I reach the end of the pool and get ready to push off, that’s when I see her standing there.
My body goes into instant overdrive, and I get another burst of energy that translates into adrenaline. I could probably swim all night at this point.
I shake water droplets out of my eyes. I don’t think I’m imagining the tension in her face. Her jaw looks like it’s locked right up, and she’s half sad, half angry. A total mystery. Beautiful. Beautiful as the stars above us and the water surrounding me, buoying me up. The mountains are back there, behind her, and the woods too, but even though this is one of the prettiest spots I have ever found, it has nothing on her.
That kiss. I shouldn’t be thinking about it. I’m in no danger of drowning, but getting out of the pool without her noticing the giant erection I’m sporting in these boxers is going to be impossible. No, I didn’t want to go into the house and change after we talked. I just wanted to swim. And yes, I kept the gotch on since I have people over. No nudist swim nights for me right now.