Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 68066 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 340(@200wpm)___ 272(@250wpm)___ 227(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 68066 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 340(@200wpm)___ 272(@250wpm)___ 227(@300wpm)
In a neutral tone, he stated, “You guys can go in first.”
We both nodded, staying strong for our father. When all we wanted to do was fall apart with him.
As soon as she saw us walking through the door, she smiled weakly, taking us in. It was evident in her tired eyes she had no idea who we were.
“Hey, Bailey,” Jagger greeted, barely keeping it together.
He wasn’t as strong as me and Dad were, I knew he was going to lose his shit. It was only a matter of time before he couldn’t keep it in any longer.
I didn’t say one word. I don’t even think I was breathing while I looked at her with so much love and so much hate all at once.
“You look really pretty today. Do you want me to brush your hair?” my brother asked.
She didn’t say anything, didn’t even move. There were very few words she could still say. The dementia had almost completely taken away her speech. She was lost within herself, staring off into space where we were no longer her escape.
“Can we take a picture with you?” Jagger asked, tears swelling up in his eyes.
Out of nowhere, I blurted, “She can’t talk to you. She doesn’t even know who the fuck we are. She doesn’t even know we’re here.”
“Jackson,” Dad gritted.
“What?” I snapped my eyes over to him. “It’s the truth. Why are we even here? This is fucking pointless.”
“Jackson, just cut Dad a break. It’s not his fault this happened. It’s not even hers,” Jagger stressed, pointing to her.
“I guess we should try to remember that. Oh wait...” I mocked. “We may not have our memory in a few years either.”
There was nothing anyone could say to that. It was our reality and truth.
“Can we just take a picture? Journey deserves to have one photo with mom.”
“Yeah, whatever.” I rolled my eyes, clenching my jaw. Trying to keep my shit together. “We can pretend she gives a rat’s ass about us.”
“Jesus, Jackson! Can you just stop? For our sister’s sake?”
I was so angry...
At her.
At my dad.
At the fucking world.
They couldn’t help me. They couldn’t even help themselves.
Jagger leaned in with his phone out in front of him, and I followed his lead with Journey still in my arms as he quickly snapped a photo. But unlike me, Jagger stayed next to her.
I didn’t want to touch her.
See her.
Or feel her.
It hurt too damn much.
Dad and I watched as Jagger bent over to kiss her head, letting his lips linger for a few seconds.
With tears streaming down his face, he whispered something in her ear that made her blink and shut her eyes as he continued to privately have a moment with her.
I shook my head, angrily scoffing out, “Fuck this.” In two strides, I was walking out of the room with Journey on my hip, but Dad grabbed my free arm, stopping me.
“I know you’re angry,” he voiced, staring into my eyes. “I understand, alright? But you don’t want to do this. Trust me, Jackson, if you walk out of here and you don’t say goodbye to your mom, it’s going to haunt you forever. And I don’t want that for you. Please, son, say goodbye to your mother.”
“Don’t you get it? She’s not here to say goodbye to. There’s nothing left of the woman who loved me, raised me, told me she’d always be here for me. She’s already gone!” I roared, tearing my arm out of his grasp, nodding over to her bed.
My glare.
My rage.
Stayed consumed on her, wanting to look at her one last time.
This was the moment I’d look back on later and deeply regret. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have hugged her, showed her how much I loved her, told her how much she meant to me, how much she would always mean to me.
All it took was one decision to change the course of my life. One choice to fuck it all up. This was a life sentence for me.
I put the nail in my own coffin that day.
I didn’t say goodbye to my mother, not realizing I’d never get a second chance to make it right.
Allowing my emotions to get the best of me, I spoke with conviction, “That’s not my mom. I don’t know who that is.” Before I could change my mind, I abruptly turned and left them there. Barely making it around the corner before I laid my back and head against the cool tiled wall. Needing the support to hold me and my baby sister up as I overheard Jagger bawling his eyes out to our father.
“Shhh...” Dad muttered. “Shhh... I got you, Son. I got you.”
Who’s going to hold me? Who has me?
“Why is this happening? Why, Dad, why?”
“I wish I knew, Jagger. I wish I knew.”