Total pages in book: 153
Estimated words: 144571 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 723(@200wpm)___ 578(@250wpm)___ 482(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 144571 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 723(@200wpm)___ 578(@250wpm)___ 482(@300wpm)
She shook her head. “You’re not that darkness. You’re evil. There’s something wrong with you. Cursed. It’s why bad things happen to you.”
Yes, there were the voices. Intrusive and invasive. Sometimes they shouted. Sometimes they started as whispers of good that slowly turned into self-hate and anxiety. Sometimes she couldn’t shut them off, but she was going to find a way. She deserved to find a way. “I am not you.”
“No,” Lena replied. “You’re her.”
And she was Julia again, except this time Julia was in an elegant dress. The kind her mom favored. She wore her hair in a very Charlotte Taggart style.
Darkness to her mother’s light.
“We’re the same, you and I,” Julia insisted. “I’m the other side of your mother’s coin, the same way you are with your twin. She’s your mother.”
How long had this idea dragged on her soul? Now that she was facing it, she could see how silly it was. Her mother wasn’t some beacon of light. She had darkness, too. Everyone did. Kenzie had her own. She was more like her mom, but Kala wasn’t Julia.
“No, I have my father’s soul and many of his problems.” He’d told her about them, how he needed a checkup every now and then. How stubborn he’d been as a young person, and it had almost cost him everything. How he didn’t want it to do the same to her. Her father had those dark voices. The ones people sometimes called depression and anxiety, and he’d found a way to be happy. And so would she.
If she lived through this. Damn, but part of the problem with figuring out she didn’t hate herself was kind of wanting to live. Completely wanting to live.
“Your father is evil, too,” Julia insisted.
Her father was the awesomest asshole to ever exist. Tears filled her eyes as she felt a hand on her shoulder and knew without a doubt who it was. Another smaller hand grasped her other shoulder. Her parents. Always behind her even in her nightmares. “I don’t need you anymore. I never did, but now I’m ready to let you go.”
Julia stood, looking wilder now, like she was ready to strike.
But this wasn’t a war she would win with a knife or a gun. It wasn’t a war where she could slaughter her enemies to claim victory because this was a war inside her. These were pieces of her soul she needed to tame, and she’d learned she couldn’t do it with anger. She couldn’t fix it with discipline and being the best at what she did.
No, this war wouldn’t be won with bombs but with the decision to lean into the love she’d been given.
Kala shifted back against those hands on her knowing there were so many more, but these hands were there from the very beginning. “Leave now.”
She would always be difficult. Stubborness was her middle name, and it would stay that way. She wasn’t going to eschew violence, become a vegan, and live off the grid for the sake of the earth. No. Her change was far gentler.
She would be kind to herself. She would give herself grace. She would accept that she deserved the love and affection she’d been given and take her place in her family without another question.
“I’m not about…” Dream Julia began…but she was already fading, her voice so soft against the other Kala now heard.
I love you. It’s you and me. Cooper.
You’re my best friend. Lou.
I’ve got your back. Kenzie.
I am so glad to have you as my sister. Tasha when she’d still had that Russian accent. When she’d been young and scared.
You are the best mistress a sub could have. Really, that was a lot of voices when she thought about it. She was good. So much better at topping than the boys.
It’ll all be alright. She was pretty sure that was Kacey Musgraves because there was some music behind that one.
I’m here if you want to talk. Or I could play a song for you if you’re sad. Seth was a weirdo. She loved him.
You’re going to be the best aunt. He’s going to love you. Travis.
Those voices meshed together, and she suddenly couldn’t hear the others anymore, like a grand symphony of love taking over. The dark voices were still there. Would always be, but she could silence them with help. She could be stronger.
Stay alive, Cooper whispered. I’m coming.
She didn’t need to see him. Didn’t need to hold him to know he loved her. They all loved her.
And she would survive.
A blast of pain went through her system, and she was suddenly awake again. The world was filled with harsh light and jagged edges.
She couldn’t move. Ah, yes, the paralytic. He used an experimental paralytic drug. It kept her still, but she could feel everything the man did to her.