Total pages in book: 153
Estimated words: 144571 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 723(@200wpm)___ 578(@250wpm)___ 482(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 144571 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 723(@200wpm)___ 578(@250wpm)___ 482(@300wpm)
“You make me sound like a weirdo,” she complained but with a huff that told him she wasn’t mad about it.
“I make you sound like someone who thinks differently, someone who sees the world in a way I can’t comprehend but I’m always in awe of. I am fairly certain my mother worries I won’t be good enough for you.”
She snorted.
“I broke your heart once and you didn’t let me back in for twelve years, Kala. Twelve years where I felt untethered,” he explained. “Twelve years where I felt like I didn’t know who I was. Where I questioned if I ruined both our lives with a couple of foolish words and teenaged insecurities. I worried I wrecked us because I wasn’t as mature as you were. I have definitely spent the last twelve years worried that I don’t even know what I did to you because you won’t talk about it.”
She sighed and moved back to sit against the log. At least she was still close, their hips touching. “There’s not a lot to talk about.”
“You were gone for days.”
She was quiet for a moment and then her head tilted slightly. “I wasn’t tortured, if that’s what you’re worried about. I just had to listen to that Julia chick go on and on about Kyle. That was gross.”
So she wasn’t going to talk. Damn it. He wasn’t sure they could move forward until he truly understood what had happened the other night. “Okay. Was it something else? Something that happened in college, maybe? Or on an op?”
He worried about her on ops. Worried about the men she targeted deciding to take advantage of her. She was the strongest woman he knew, but there was only so much strength could save her from.
“This is one of those times when I wish I was Kenz and I could give you a cute girl smile and pretend to not understand you. I can do it, you know,” she said quietly. “I can be Kenzie when we’re in the field. I can lie and be charming. But I can’t with you.”
He let his arm drift over the back of the log so it was almost around her shoulders. “I’m glad. I want to be your safe place.”
“I think you’re my weak spot.”
He turned slightly. “I’m not. I’m exactly what I said. I’m your safe place and you’re mine. I feel so bad I made you think I wasn’t for a long time. I know in that head of yours what’s happening between us is some kind of meaningless sex thing, but it’s not that way for me.”
Her eyes closed, and she seemed to come to some decision. “It’s not meaningless.”
“Again, I’m glad to hear it.”
She opened them, those clear blue eyes boring into his soul. “But I also don’t think it’s forever. I’m not going to make that mistake again.”
“Not a mistake. I was wrong.” He could see the way her hands fisted and knew she was getting emotional. He wanted her that way—if the right emotion was involved. He was pretty sure she was feeling anxious and for her it came out as anger, and he didn’t want that between them. “Forget I said anything, baby. Come here. The solar’s got plenty of charge, and I know you’re listening to an audiobook. Let’s eat some cookies and listen.”
Her brow cocked. “You want to listen to fairies fucking?”
“Sure, why not.” He didn’t care as long as she relaxed. “You had to listen to my music the whole flight. Come here. We won’t talk about anything but books and the op if you like.”
He held open the blanket he’d placed over his lap.
She didn’t move.
Had he lost her?
“I don’t know.” She said the words solemnly and pulled her knees into her chest, wrapping her arms around them.
“You don’t know if you want cookies? Your mom made them. They’re delicious.”
She swallowed and seemed to find some courage. “I don’t know if they raped me or not. The asshole who put a needle in my neck promised me he would pass me around to all the guys while I was sleeping, and I don’t know what he did. I know I was sore, but I didn’t know how it would feel so I can’t be sure if it was because of a sexual assault or because I nearly took them all down. They were shitty fighters, by the way. I saw a doctor, but it was days later, and she couldn’t be certain. I’ve thought a lot about it lately, and I don’t think so. I think I would remember being sore the way I was a couple of days ago. But maybe your dick is bigger.”
His heart threatened to seize, and the world blurred as he stared at her. “Kyle said…”
“Yeah, I know what my cousin said. He wasn’t there the whole time. And now that I… Well, I think maybe he was right and there wasn’t enough time nor inclination for a group of mercenaries to gangbang an unconscious fifteen-year-old. The one who led them shot the Russian dude who threatened me. He wanted to sell me to a syndicate. Obviously not the one my mom used to belong to. He said people would pay money to be able to brag they hurt Dusan Denisovitch’s cousin. I don’t know if he did it because he didn’t want to have to protect me from his own men or because he didn’t want to share the money. You’re right. I struggle with emotional reasoning sometimes. Especially when I was younger. He said he didn’t have to share the money, and I believed him.”