Total pages in book: 215
Estimated words: 199344 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 997(@200wpm)___ 797(@250wpm)___ 664(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 199344 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 997(@200wpm)___ 797(@250wpm)___ 664(@300wpm)
I feel as though I have so much I need to say to you, and I could honestly go on for pages telling you how much I love you and how every single time you smiled at me, I felt like I could fly. But you know all of this because you’ve felt it right along with me. You took my hand, and we ran through life together, full steam ahead, and you never let me fall. You were my protector. My warrior. And you fought for me, even when you didn’t realize you were.
Ah, crap! Look at me crying all over the paper. I’m smudging everything! Though, somehow, I don’t think you mind. You’ve always just gone with the flow, been so chill about everything . . . most things at least. I can count more than a few times that temper of yours proved you to be very unchill! But never with me. No matter how often I pushed your buttons, you were always patient with me, always kind. It’s one of the reasons I love you so much.
I worry about you, Noah.
Right now, I hear you down the hall, sitting with Hazel. She’s still so young, and yet I feel like my sickness has forced her to grow up before her time. I think you need each other. I can hear you talking with her, hear the subtle changes in your tone, trying to make it sound like everything is okay. And I know she will buy it, everyone always does, but I know you too well. I hear the pain in your voice. I hear the way you’re hurting, and it kills me because I know it’s only going to get worse before it gets better.
These next few years are going to be hard for you, but I need you to know that I’m going to be there every step of the way, just as you have been for me. I don’t know where I’m going to end up or what waits for me on the other side, but I feel it in my gut that everything is going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.
Wherever I am, just know that I’ll be free. I won’t be hurting anymore or trapped in a disease-riddled body, and I want you to think about that when you’re missing me, and it becomes too hard. I want you to know that even though I would give anything to be in your arms right now, I am where I need to be. Whether that’s in heaven or some other form of afterlife, who knows. Maybe the whole reincarnation thing is real, and right now, I’m in the middle of learning how to fly. And if that’s the case, I hope you always leave your window open for me because you know I’m coming back as a bird. And no, definitely not a dirty pigeon. Something beautiful. Something that can soar higher than the stars.
These past eighteen years with you have been a whirlwind, and if I had the choice to do them again, I would. I would always do it again because the feeling of being loved so fiercely by such an incredible, loyal, and pure-hearted man was the greatest experience any woman could ever imagine, and you gave it to me every single day.
I hope you know just how happy you made me.
I know you don’t want to hear it, and that you’re definitely not ready to have this conversation, but one day when the time is right, I hope you can find it in you to be happy. I want you to open your heart again and allow yourself to find love. Have a bazillion kids with those dark eyes and your quick temper, and for your mom’s sake, I hope they give you hell, just like you and Linc gave her.
I know it’s hard for you to see now, but your happiest times are still ahead of you. You have so much to look forward to. I want you to find hope, love, and joy. God, Noah. I have so many dreams for you. I want you to push through with college and do something incredible. Though, between you and me, we both know you’ll be a superstar playing in the NFL. And when you are, when you look up at the stands, I want you to picture my face, picture the way I would cheer for you, and when you do, I want you to smile.
I want you to push yourself in your classes, push yourself in your personal relationships, push boundaries, and push good times. Go on all the camping trips, explore the world, and try new things. Build a dream home, and fill it with laughter, but don’t forget to check in with your mom every day, especially during these years you’re away at college.