Total pages in book: 57
Estimated words: 52319 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 262(@200wpm)___ 209(@250wpm)___ 174(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 52319 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 262(@200wpm)___ 209(@250wpm)___ 174(@300wpm)
And the pressure just kept growing. Could it have grown to the point he would have willingly walked away and let them kill Bellamy? Maybe. Desperation isn't rational. And pain isn't logical.
I can't blame him for either, not really. Not after everything. Because, despite everything, he isn't the kind of guy who would have walked away had he known Bella would be in the middle. Even if he could walk away from his father, he wouldn't have walked away and left her to pick up the pieces. Just like he refuses to leave his mom to do it. He'd rather carry it all himself, keep hurting himself, than let her feel another moment of grief.
But he still lied about it. And that's the part that scares me. He didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't like that he was paying them off. That was a conscious decision.
How many more of those will he make before he heals? How many more times will his past threaten everything before he decides enough is enough? I don't know. It's been doing it for most of his life—ripping it apart at the seams. Ripping him apart at the seams. And he lets it because he thinks it's what he deserves.
I'm sorry, little bird. I'm so damn sorry. You deserve better than me.
Can we really build a future when the past still haunts him?
I spend all day batting that question around before my phone rings.
I groan when I see my dad's name on the display.
"Hey," I whisper, clearing my throat as I bring it to my ear.
"Hey, pirate princess," he murmurs. "Just checking in. It's getting late."
"I'm on my way," I lie.
He hesitates for a moment. "You okay? You sound stressed."
"Fine. Just had a long day."
I'm not sure if he believes me—honestly, I'm not sure he believes anything I've said lately. He keeps watching me like he knows I'm lying to him. But he hasn't called me out on it. It's like he's waiting for me to come to him.
I guess there is no point now, is there?
"I'll be there soon," I whisper, fighting tears.
He sighs quietly. "Drive safe, sweetheart."
I disconnect, dropping the phone onto my lap. And then I take a deep, shuddering breath, trying to pull myself together before I lose it all over again. I can't cry again right now. If I do, he'll notice. And he won't let me off the hook until I confess everything.
I don't want to confess. I don't want to talk. I just want to go home, crawl into bed, and pretend none of this is happening. Maybe then it won't hurt so much. Because right now, it's unbearable.
The man I love lied to me. He's been lying to me all along. And I'm too damn worried about him to even be mad about it.
A little after eleven, my mom taps on my door before popping her head in to check on me. "Hey," she murmurs, her eyes full of worry as they run over me. "You okay, baby girl?"
"Yeah," I lie. And then my shoulders droop and I shake my head. "No."
She pushes the door closed, crossing the room to perch on the bed beside me with an arm around my waist. I lay my head against her shoulder with a sigh.
"What's wrong, sweetheart?"
"Everything."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really." I sigh quietly. "I mostly want to forget it happened."
"Is it something you can forget?"
"No." I swallow hard. "He lied to me, Mama. And it ruined everything."
"I'm sorry, sweetheart." She runs her fingers through my hair, trying to comfort me. "But I'm sure he didn't mean for that to happen."
"I know." I swallow the tears burning up my throat. "But it happened anyway. I'm not sure how we're supposed to move on from here."
"Do you love him?"
"Yes," I whisper. "So much it's terrifying."
"Does he feel the same way about you?"
My answer is immediate. "Yes."
"Do you know why he lied?"
"Maybe? Kind of?" I shrug helplessly. "He thought he could fix something. Instead, it made everything worse."
"How did it make it worse, sweetheart?"
"He…" I lick my lips. "I guess it made me realize that there are things he needs to fix—stuff he needs to deal with—before he can really move on from what happened to him. And he's not willing to do that." Tears well in my eyes. "It's just going to keep coming up over and over. It's going to keep coming out over and over. And I guess it feels a little like enabling destructive behavior to just accept the collateral damage that comes with him not dealing with it."
At the end of the day, that's what this was. Collateral damage. He thought he needed to fix it to prove something—that he was worthy, that he isn't his father…I'm not sure what, exactly. But I know it was something because I know him. He's driven by guilt. It consumes him. And I'm guessing he feels guilty as hell about Bella. So he didn't tell me so he could fix it and ease that burden, prove that he was worthy.