Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
His face pushes against my cheek, and I feel a tear against my skin.
No, Ryan isn’t alone in this, and if I have any say in it, he won’t ever be alone again.
31
SIMON
I’ll show him what a fucking liar Ryan is.
Jonas has to see. Has to know what I’ve known all this time.
Using my phone light to guide me, I sprint through the yard, heading for the woods.
Heart racing. Breathing frantic. Mind twisted up from the vile distortions Ryan attacked me with.
“You were there.”
I was! And that’s why I know the truth better than anyone else.
I thought Ryan would cave when I confronted him with the truth. But his delusion is so deeply rooted, it’ll take more than a fight to end this.
Even though our confrontation didn’t go as I’d hoped, everything else has gone according to plan. Just as I suspected, Jonas believed I wanted him to fuck me. Ryan’s done a good job of pitting him against me, convincing him I’m the villain. Ha! When he finds out the truth, he’ll know how he was misled, deceived, just as Kieran and Father were deceived. Just as I was all those years before I discovered the rot at his core.
How effortlessly he surrendered to my plan. How easy it was to fall for Jonas. To the point that now he’s willing to leave the only life he’s ever known so he can enjoy this perverse fantasy, pretending his dark soul didn’t corrode this family from the inside out.
No, you won’t get away with this, Ryan!
I won’t let you disparage Kieran’s name.
“Simon, do you like me?”
It’s an odd question, since Kieran and I have just been skipping rocks across the creek at the bottom of the drop-off. Even odder when I feel his hand on my thigh, rubbing. It’s a strange feeling, not like it is with Ryan and me. There’s something unsettling about it, so I pull away.
“You don’t like me?” Kieran asks.
His chin trembles, his eyes water, and I’m immediately horrified at the thought that I’ve done something to hurt him. He slaps his hand against his head.
Once.
Twice.
“Stop!” I beg. “What are you doing?”
“You don’t like me. I knew it.”
“Of course I do. You’re my brother. I love you, Kieran.” I spit the words out quickly so he doesn’t have to doubt.
As he places his hand back on my thigh, tension rises within me.
“I love you too, Simon. I want to show you that I love you.”
Why is he looking at me like this?
Unlike Ryan, I didn’t love Kieran right away. It took me time to share his feelings, but I eventually came to love him as much as he loved me.
He pushes up against me, pinning me to a bookcase in the library before moving in for a kiss.
“Kieran.” I try to push him away.
“I need you, Simon. I love you.”
“I love you too, but don’t—”
He doesn’t hear my request. This is how he gets sometimes when his desire’s too much for me. When he can’t stop himself from tugging at my clothes and pressing his lips against mine.
“Don’t deny me, Simon. I need you right now.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Why are you hurting me like this? Not touching you is so painful.”
Guilt rises within me.
I don’t want to hurt him. I love him.
Fuck, my fight with Ryan has memories sparking, live wires tripping in places I’d long pushed back. It’s more than I can manage as they battle it out for attention.
“Please, Kieran, just slow down.”
He can’t, though…
He never can.
I don’t deny my relationship with Kieran was complex, like any brothers’ relationships. There were times when I hated him. Times when I loved him. Times when we laughed. Times when he made me cry. But he couldn’t make me cry more than the day I came upon the shed, seeing him on top of Ryan.
“Simon! Simon, help!”
I’m frozen. Can’t move. Can’t look away. Can’t even think.
Shut up! Stop it! Stop it!
Ryan told me, between our sheets, how much he wanted Kieran. I lived in guilt and shame, knowing Kieran wanted me more.
I hated Kieran sometimes for how badly he wanted me.
I race along the path in the woods, filled with as much determination as when I hired that company to seek out a look-alike. When I come to the spot, I detour off the path, and it’s only a few more minutes before I come to the wall of briars.
A new set of memories pushes forward.
The day after Ryan and Kieran made love.
I keep a good distance behind Kieran. I don’t want him to know I’m following him.
Is he going to tell Ryan he loves him? Why does he want him now and not me?
After everything we’ve been through. After how much I’ve helped keep him from being in pain.
We finally come to Ryan’s hiding spot, in the thick of those wicked briars that used to hurt me so much as a kid.