Total pages in book: 70
Estimated words: 66863 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 334(@200wpm)___ 267(@250wpm)___ 223(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66863 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 334(@200wpm)___ 267(@250wpm)___ 223(@300wpm)
He was so intelligent—I found it incredibly attractive and comforting. He didn’t always tell me things I didn’t already know, but it made that knowledge feel more legit to hear it coming from Kieran.
I wrung my hands together and took a couple deep breaths. “They were both addicts. Only my father at first, and then my mother after I was born. Drugs and alcohol always came before me.” I could practically see him checking off boxes in his head…his parents didn’t take care of him and now he needs someone else to do it for him. Needs someone to make him feel loved.
“We moved around a lot—always in Los Angeles, though. They couldn’t hold jobs and couldn’t keep apartments. We spent many nights, weeks, and sometimes months on the streets. When we did live in apartments, they were filthy—roaches, needles, whatever, until I began to clean them. I took needles from their arms when they’d passed out. I cleaned up their vomit. Their wounds when they would fall and hit their heads or cut themselves. I took odd jobs to make money, even when I was too young to work because if they weren’t going to be able to take care of us, damn it, I would.”
I took a shaky breath. My hands trembled, but now I couldn’t stop. I needed to purge it out of me. It was as if I couldn’t hold it in any longer. My thoughts and words flowed freely but I was somehow detached from them as well. “I was afraid of the dark because my mother almost OD’d one night and because I’d woken up so many nights alone. They would thank me for taking care of them, promise to get clean but they didn’t because drugs were more important to them than I was. One of their friends shot me up with heroin when I was thirteen.”
The shaking increased. I couldn’t keep still. My head spun. My vision went blurry. I thought my heart would burst, it beat so hard…so fast. So…
“Jared…come,” Kieran’s words began to pull me out of my head. Out of my past. “Come here. Kneel for me.”
I stood up, felt as if I was on autopilot as I walked over, and knelt for him.
“Put your head on my lap. Breathe me in,” he told me.
“Yes, Daddy,” I replied. The fabric of his pants was soft against my face. I could smell his skin, the musk of him as I buried my face between his legs.
“That’s a good boy.” He ran a hand through my hair. “I’m here.”
The scent of him filled my nostrils, already so familiar. It slowed my heart. Calmed me.
“Is that the only time you were given drugs?” he asked.
“No, Sir. It didn’t happen often though.” I remembered what the drugs in my system had felt like…the euphoria, and then the drop. I remembered wondering if it would make them love me more, because I would be like them.
“Are they still alive?” he asked and I shook my head.
“My dad overdosed when I was fifteen. My mom went off the deep end. She blamed me because I was home with him. I’d been sent to my room and hadn’t known what was happening. She binged for months. Overdosed herself, and I called 911. The courts took me away. She was sent to rehab but I heard she’d died a few months after she got out. It was foster homes from there on out for me. No one wanted a fifteen-year-old though. I just had to keep my head down until I’d aged out. I funneled everything into school. I needed to make something of myself so I would always be able to take care of myself.”
He ran his hand through my hair and I snuggled into him more. Inhaled him. Let his warmth and his scent wrap around me.
“We have that in common, boy. Using school and learning as an outlet. But money isn’t what takes care of us.”
I froze at that. My heart raced again. “It’s a start! They had no money so no one cared enough to help them.” That would never be me. I wouldn’t allow it. I would take care of myself.
I hiccupped then and realized I was crying. If someone had been there to help them, maybe, they would have been okay. Maybe none of it would have happened. If they’d been able to financially care for themselves, maybe it would have made a difference.
I didn’t know what it was, but that thought had me trying to push away from Kieran. I wouldn’t need him. I wouldn’t depend on him. I’d always taken care of myself and I could continue to. The last thing I wanted was to be dependent on another person because people let you down.
“I need to go,” I said, and tried to stand but his word stopped me in my tracks.