Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
I can’t do this.
I pull away, and he kisses me again. “No,” I say, “stop.”
But he kisses me again, and as I pull away this time, he grabs the back of my head, pulling me back to him. I try to push him away, but he’s stronger.
“Kieran!” I grapple with him.
“Come on, Ry. Come on. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.” Before I know it, we’re wrestling until he rolls me onto my stomach and twists my arm behind my back. It stings, and I cry out.
Why is he doing this?
“Please stop, Kieran. I mean it. No.”
“You don’t have to be afraid, Ryan. I’ll be good to you. I love you.”
“I kept telling him to stop, and it was like he didn’t hear me. I kept thinking if I said it louder, he’d realize I didn’t want this.”
My jeans burn against my hips as he forces them down my legs, his hand still straining the muscles in my arm. “Please, stop! It hurts.”
He had to have heard what I said. Why won’t he stop?
“I love you, Ryan. I’ve always loved you.”
“I thought it’d be like in a movie, this rage and fury in me as I scream, but it was so quiet. I felt numb. And I remember thinking that he could do what he wanted and there wouldn’t be any consequences. I wouldn’t feel a thing.”
“Oh my God, Ryan.”
The tears are still sliding down my face, but I push on because I know if I don’t get this out, it’ll never come out. “I know now that’s not true, but at the time, it felt like my body was protecting me. And then, as he forced his way in, I remember being totally disconnected from that and just feeling claustrophobic. Like it didn’t matter what he was doing to me, I just needed to get out of this position and get him off me. I had some leverage with my free arm, and I felt for a rock. I knew I only had one shot because he might grab my other arm too, so I used all my strength to hit him in the head with it. It was such an awkward angle, I didn’t even know if it worked, but he released my wrist, and I was able to get out from under him. I must’ve gotten him good because he had his hand to his head and didn’t come after me, even as I tripped on my pants before getting back up and pulling them to my waist. Then I just ran like hell back to the house.”
“He raped you,” Jonas says.
Even now, I want to say, No! That’s not what happened! I want to defend my brother, even after what he did.
But I can’t.
Because I know what he did to me.
“I didn’t want to believe that’s what it was. I just wanted to pretend it never happened.”
His hand drops from my shoulder onto my thigh, his warm touch safe, and I place my hand on top of his.
“The next day, Kieran kept trying to talk to me, so I headed into the woods. I just needed to think, to make sense of what happened. But he followed me, and I hurried here to keep safe. He knew it’s where I was, but he didn’t know how to get in, so he just called to me from the other side. And I guess, feeling protected, I told him what he’d done, but he called me a liar. Said Father wouldn’t believe me if I said anything. And as I tried to get him to just admit it, he was howling like an animal from the other side. It was this god-awful noise, echoing everywhere around me, as if the sound was coming from the briars.
“He finally left me alone, and I waited a few hours, till I felt it was safe to return home. When Simon went looking for him, he found Kieran’s body at the bottom of the drop-off. So he did kill himself because of me—because he knew what he’d done to me, and I guess he couldn’t stand that.”
“Simon said you were the one who found him. I’m so sorry that happened to you, Ryan. I’m sure that had to be confusing and scary. And then…”
Father.
Part of me fears that when I look at Jonas, I’ll see Kieran, but when I turn to him, it’s just Jonas. It’s a reminder that I’m safe.
“I’m guessing you told your dad what happened?”
I nod. I’m so fucking exhausted from reliving that day, but I need to finish this. I need to get it out of my head. “At first, I couldn’t bear telling him what happened, not while he was grieving. And he was so busy trying to cover up his indiscretions that it was easy to stay quiet, but the secret ate away at me until I couldn’t carry it alone anymore. He was sitting at his desk when I told him. I couldn’t tell him I ever had feelings for Kieran. I didn’t even want to believe I’d ever had feelings for the man who did that to me. And I sure as hell wasn’t gonna tell him what I caught Kieran and Simon doing. I just told him what happened by the shed, and he got quiet, couldn’t even look at me. I needed something. For him to tell me I hadn’t done anything wrong, or that I wasn’t responsible, but he asked me to leave his office. I thought he just needed time, but then the next day he shot himself, and when I found out about the will, I knew…he didn’t believe me.”